Messy Post, Messy Mind

My head feels a bit all over the place. Dad is finally back from DC and accidentally called me last night around 11pm insted of Sister K. It was nice to hear from him. It honestly felt good to know he was back, even though he really wasn’t that far away.  I told him I am glad you’re back.  This has been a traumatic week.  He said I think this has been the toughest week this family has ever had to go through. I think I knew that deep inside but hadn’t thought of it that way.  For some reason hearing it verbalized from Dad meant more. Dads aren’t dramatic. They don’t make things a bigger deal than they are. If Dad says it has been a tough week it means it really has been a tough week.

Mom was able to walk to the hall last night. This is a really BIG step. Sister K said she is pretty much dragging her feet to move but she did move. I am heading there for the next few days. I am a bit nervous. I don’t want to get emotional about this. I feel some anxiety about this inside. For a lot of different reasons that I can’t put completely into words. I just keep thinking this is Mom. My Mom. They are most likely moving her to a rehabilitation facility when she is released from the hospital. That’s another tough one. Mom won’t be going home but going somewhere else. Temporarily. But still, Mom is supposed to be at home. That’s where she is always supposed to be. 

This post is a bit messy but that is how my mind feels right now. A bit messy. I have honestly felt like a bit of a zombie. On the outside everything is fine. I am still friendly me. Chatting about life. Nothing is wrong. On the inside I feel like a mess. My head is filled with scary thoughts. Everything is wrong. Even today as I have told a few people I will be out the next 2 days they reply, “Have a great weekend,” “Enjoy your time off.” I smile and enthusiastically say thanks. Inside I think how opposite my time off will be.  I’ve only told a few people like my manager and boss what is going on- people that need to know. Other than that I don’t really want to talk about it. I don’t want any get well cards or people asking how Mom is doing because I can’t handle it. I am barely handling this myself.

Thank you for reading my messy post. For being here this week reading my words. It means a lot.

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