Since I returned Monday I have noticed something. I am a little more short fused. I am letting my negative thoughts consume my mind. My fights are escalating. I am losing my cool easier.
I am angry.
I am. I am admitting it right here for the first time to myself. It has occurred to me maybe I am going through the “Stages of Grief” again. As if I haven’t already gone through them or continue to go through them with Mom’s MS. That makes me angry too. The fact that I feel like just as I feel I have reached “Acceptance” I am back behind in one of the other stages again. I am angry.
Tuesday night Sister K and I got into a big fight. Sure we fight from time to time but typically they are silly and one of us can snap the other out of it pretty quickly. We are fighting experts. I have to say I have been fighting with her longer than anyone else in the world. That’s the beauty of having a sister who is also your best friend. We fight we make up. The cycle continues. But Tuesday night I felt differently. I felt full of a different kind of anger and it wasn’t even directed at Sister K. I was just mad. And she was mad too.
Then come Wednesday night I got into a fight with Husband on the phone. We still haven’t received our tax return we filed in March which is becoming a source of stress in our lives. With him being in school and me supporting us this is probably the one time in our entire lives where we really need the money. After a frustrating morning on the phone with the IRS they said there had been an error processing it, it was corrected April 15 and now it was being processed. We should be receiving it in 4-6 weeks which would have been last week. Husband is really mad about this as he should be. I just figure we can’t do anything about it. Literally we can’t do anything. There is no one you complain to about the IRS and it is pointless anger. We are just going to have to live until we get it. But the point is, we got into a huge fight.
Then yesterday at work I received a note from someone asking about Mom that rubbed me the wrong way. Implying Mom wasn’t telling her the truth. I was so mad. Then I got mad about some of the people we have in our lives who are nowhere to be seen. Then last night I got mad at Husband again on the phone. He told me I can’t expect that much out of people when they probably aren’t even sure what they should do themselves. This made me mad. As you can see, I am angry. But I think I am misdirecting all of my anger. It’s all coming out at all the wrong people and issues.
Why am I angry? Or who am I angry at? I don’t know. I am mad at MS. I am mad that Mom went into the hospital for a week, is in rehab now but I am not sure she is having any major improvements. I am mad because I am not sure whose fault that is- MS or Mom? I am mad that this is all consuming in our family. I am mad because other families don’t have these issues with their Mom. I am mad that Mom had to be the one to get this. I am mad because I don’t think Mom is strong enough mentally and enough of a fighter to handle this. I am mad because my family needs a break. I am mad because there is no cure. There is no end in sight to this. I am mad because I am trying to take things one day at a time and my mind won’t let me. I am mad that all of this is so hard on Dad. I am mad that Dad is having to go through all of this. I am mad at the unknown of all of this. I am mad that Mom really may not improve very much while she is at rehab. I am mad because I am trying so hard to be optimistic about Mom’s health and struggling badly right now. I am mad because the reality of home health care is a little scarier than just the idea of it. I am mad because I am scared Mom is changing. I am mad because I see my relationship with Mom changing. I am mad because I feel like MS is slowly taking away who she is, especially the part of her that makes her Mom. I am mad because I want it to all go away.
I want it to all go away. And it won’t. It’s never going away. Things are never going back to the way they were. My acceptance of this will come. I know it will. But right now I am angry.
To put it bluntly, this sucks.