I feel a lot of guilt right now living out my day to day activities. Almost like my mind needs to be focused on Mom 24/7 or I am being a bad daughter. No it’s not a normal thought. No one has ever implied this needs to be the case. This is self imposed. But since I can’t physically be at home part of me feels like I need to mentally be focused on Mom. What specifically do I feel guilty about. The list is strange. The list may not make much sense to others. But here it is, my secret guilt list..
I feel guilty that I sit at home at night laying on the couch in my apartment watching The Bachelorette while Dad is the only one at home in the evenings helping Mom. Doing minor chores, small tasks, getting things for Mom, etc.
I feel guilty that I get to sleep through the night knowing Dad gets woken up by Mom to help her readjust or get out and back into bed.
I feel guilty that Dad sometimes has to grocery shop at 10pm at night becuase he has been so busy running a million different directions, many of which involve Mom. I feel guilty because I complain if I have to run any errands in the evening after work and Dad does nothing but run errands some nights after a long day of work.
I feel guilty I have time to read books when so often I hear Dad say how much he wishes he had free time to read a book. I feel guilty when I go to the gym. I feel guilty enjoying tiny privileges like these in my life.
I feel guilty I don’t live in the same city as my parents. I feel guilty because I could be so much help if I did. I feel guilty because I don’t think it will ever happen.
I feel guilty when I don’t tell the truth. When people ask how Mom is and I paint a prettier picture than reality.
I feel guilty. For these things and many more. Some like the above I am aware of. Some I think I am not so aware of. But I feel it. I feel the guilt. The fact that it is guilt I can’t do anything about is making me feel anxious. I think it may be the reason I have been having trouble falling asleep. Because at night, when the activities of the day have gone and I am laying in bed it’s just my thoughts and me. And these thoughts. This is where they go.
Do you ever feel guilty for things you obviously have no control over? Do you have a secret guilt list? On a lighter note, any fellow Bachelorette fans out there?