My post yesterday sparked a few comments that I loved. Comments that have had my thoughts flying. Flying in all directions. Leading me to think sometimes you need to just ramble.
To paraphrase the two comments that really stood out to me:
“The real surprise would be if MS did not change your Mom.”
“The changes from MS are happening faster than you can keep up with them.”
I read these and just paused for a minute. They were right. They were spot on. Then a flood of thoughts hit me. A flood of mixed up thoughts.
I thought to myself, duh. Why am I even questioning if Mom is changing. She is obviously changing. MS is a powerful disease. Do I really think this isn’t going to change her? But then this makes me sad. Sad that MS is winning in a way. Changing her in ways I don’t want her to change. Changing her spirit. Changing her attitude. Changes I can’t control and can’t do anything about. Mad because I can’t do anything about these changes. Furstrated because yet again I feel helpless. I take one step forward mentally and then a week later I am taking two steps back. I feel like this is a never ending cycle. Maybe it is. But it is a frustrating one. How am I supposed to deal with this when I can’t get a grasp on what is happening.
Which leads me to the 2nd comment, the changes are happening faster than I can keep up with. Faster because they aren’t all physical. For every physical change there is a mental one. Just as I get a grip on the phsyical, here comes the mental. In the same breath I am beginning to feel like I can deal with the physical changes better than the mental ones. Take away Mom’s ability to walk but don’t take away Mom. Her spirit. Her personality. Start messing with that and I begin to feel like a bigger part of me is being messed with.
And I don’t know how to handle it. I know very few people who can relate. When I think of the other people in my life who are my age, I think of no one who understands what this is like. At the same time there also aren’t many people I would share this part with. This is the not so pretty side. The side that isn’t full of positive and uplifting thoughts. This is the cold truth of what is going on. This is my life. In many ways at times I feel like it is my secret life. A part of MS that I don’t want to share with many people because it is personal. And sad. And saying it out loud to someone other than my immediately family makes it even more real. To watch people’s faces. Watch them struggle for words. I don’t want to go through it. In the end the only other person who gets it from the same perspective is Sister K. She’s the one I can say the dark thoughts to, tell the frustrating conversations without editing any details. It’s Sister K and Me navigating these changes. These changes that are coming faster than we can keep up with. And won’t seem to stop.
Do you ever feel like sometimes you need to ramble? Do you ever feel like your thoughts are happening faster than you can keep up with? Thank you for your comments. Thankful for the support I have received here.