This past weekend I had a little reunion with my college best friends/roommates. One of them recently had a baby (recent as in a week ago), so while we were getting together we arranged to stop by and see her. When we stopped by her house, my friend’s Mom was also there since she had come in for the birth of her new granddaughter to help out.
As I watched her Mom there, moving around, helping out and telling stories about the day her daughter delivered, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of something. It wasn’t jealousy and it wasn’t anger, but it was something. A strange feeling. A feeling of knowing deep down that someday if Husband and I have children, it won’t be the same way for me. Mom won’t be able to just come and stay for awhile by herself. She won’t be driving herself to see me at the hospital. I don’t think she’ll be able to carry a baby or get up to help with things by herself. Little things. Little things that are not on my radar right now but someday they will be.
I know having children works differently for everyone. Some people have parents who are very involved and others are not. I come from a long line of women whose moms came and assisted once their babies were born. But for Sister K and me, I am not sure if this will be the case. I am not sure how it will work. I know it bothers Mom because she has mentioned it to me hypothetically before. We are a ways off from it being a real life issue, so I blow it off when she talks about it. But yesterday as I sat in my friend’s house looking at her Mom and her baby I couldn’t help but feel it. Almost like a twinge of loss. Mourning the loss of something that hasn’t even happened yet- the loss of a vision of Mom helping me take care of a baby someday that always sat in my mind. Now I am trying to dispel this dream from my mind as I embrace the new reality I have been given. I know it’s impossible to prepare for but I feel as though maybe in thinking about it now if that day comes I will be more ready for it.
Have you ever dealt with the reality of an idea you had for the future changing? Have you ever felt the same twinge in life when you are around other people? Does my twinge even make sense?