I am struggling with this blog. Struggling because there are a lot of feelings I have about Mom’s MS but also because I worry I am consuming myself too much with it. Then again it is a big part of my life. I also wonder if what I am writing even matters. If it even resonates with anyone but me. I want to make it more personal but am trying to figure out how. Make it about Mom’s MS but my journey with it. How this is impacting me personally. How this is changing me. How this is launching me 30 years ahead in life in some regards but I still feel exactly the same in others.
I turned 28 on Monday. Happy Birthday to me. On Sunday as I was reflecting on the past year I was on the phone with Dad who was struggling, phsyically struggling. Mom had been having severe pains in her legs and hadn’t been able to sleep for several nights. They had been to a few doctors last week for her swollen ankles, her primary care and her neurologist. They changed her medicine, took her off medicine but nothing seemed to be working. Dad took her to a doctor Sunday who gave her a muscle relaxer just to try to help but instead of helping it made things worse. It essentially turned her muscles to jelly. To make a long story short Dad spent several hours maneuvering and figuring out how to get Mom into bed. She was on the floor at several points. I was on the phone with him a couple times throughout this. He finally had success and finally got her situated at about 11pm. A process that began around 8pm.
I layed in bed reflecting. Thinking 28 years ago Mom was in the hospital. We were hours away from meeting for the first time. Nothing more than a mother and daughter. A healthy mother and healthy baby. I began thinking of the past 28 years. Thinking of where we were today. How did we get to this point so soon. I was sad. I allowed myself to lay in bed that night sad. Thinking and sad. Going over life, plans and how things can happen that you never imagined.
I made a decision that this next year I would focus on myself and clearing out some clutter in my own life. Internally and externally. I am doing my own Happiness Project inspired by this book and the corresponding blog. I am going to spend the next year becoming the best person I can be so I can help Mom to the best of my abilities. I am realizing this next stage of this battle with MS is going to be largely mind over matter. It’s going to test me in ways I have never been tested. Test my mental strength, test my ability to resist the negative and test my family.
I am writing this here to hold myself accountable. It’s going to be an interesting journey but one I am hoping is full of successful changes and new tools to use as I deal with Mom’s MS.