My family is evolving. Our dynamic is evolving. Part of this is a natural evolution and part of this is on account of Mom’s MS. I have mentioned before that my family has never exactly been the most punctual family in the world. But these days we move very very slow. It can take Mom a good 15 to 20 minutes to get from the living room into the garage and into the car. That is assuming everything is ready to go. Sometimes it can take longer. We are all learning to adjust to this. We are also learning the many definitions of the phrase “time to go.”
There are now 3 steps to planning when we want to go somewhere: 1) Determine what time we want to arrive at our location 2) Determine what time to leave 3) Determine what time we need Mom to be ready and how long it will take to get her in the car. It is a process to put it in the simplest terms. There is no more rushing out the door anymore. We don’t rush. If we are running late than we take a deep breath and realize we are going to be really late. That is how things go.
Sister K and I are getting more used to this. More used to just hanging out, not rushing to get out the door, realizing that going out to lunch may mean we are eating lunch at 2:00. It may also mean we are eating lunch at 3:00. Going out to dinner could happen at 8:00 or 9:00. Things are just on our own time now. Our own schedule. But, I also have another person in my life I am balancing who this does not come so natural to…Husband.
It is one thing to be experiencing the waiting and being late when it is your immediate family. I believe Sister K and my tolerance for the situation is higher because it is our Mom. We also weren’t raised in a very punctual family to begin with so in many ways this is just a bigger extension. Husband on the other hand comes from the polar opposite. Where my family would be 10 minutes late, his is 10 minutes early. His Dad is always in a hurry to get out the door to get somewhere not on time, but early. When I visit his family if we say we are leaving at a certain time I know I have to be ready at this time. This is part of being married. Adjusting to other families. But in many ways it is a little easier for me to adjust to his family norm when it involves time than him adjusting to mine.
We had a little tiff because of this over the weekend. Husband and I drove in for a quick visit to see my parents Saturday morning because Husband needed a haircut. Then we were going to go to a quick lunch with my parents and head back because Husband had some things he needed to do later in the afternoon. We only had a short time to be home. We began to have issues though when it was taking Mom awhile to get out the door, therefore pushing lunch back a little bit, and making Husband a little uneasy because he had study plans in the afternoon. I feel very caught in the middle when this happens. I am caught between my husband and my family. Caught between two situations that both make sense. Husband is working on his patience but I realize it is a lot to ask of anyone. He also realizes this is what he signed on for when we got married. But it’s difficult because this requires him to be the one to change because my family simply cannot meet him halfway on this. Mom cannot move any faster and we are truly going the fastest we can.
I guess what I am saying is the nature of my parent having MS is one thing. I tolerate more as I should because it is after all my Mom. But when you add additional people into the situation it requires tolerance and patience from them too. It is not necessarily a natural transition. I know we will get there, but I also know it isn’t easy. We like to say Mom doesn’t have MS, but we have MS. But that becomes a little more complex when the dynamics of the family grow and new people have to interact with our MS. MS affects everyone, not just Mom. It affects all aspects of our lives and it will continue to impact new areas of my life just as I think I have a hold on them.
Do you think it is natural to have more patience with your own family than others? Do you see how this could be a difficult situation for Husband? Do you find it interesting when you find a new situation being impacted by MS in your life?