Running Inside The Hamster Wheel

I am not a morning person. I am attempting to possibly become more of a morning person by going to sleep earlier, but I am a self proclaimed night owl. Sister K called me this morning as I was heading to work. I talk to my family any time of day during any kind of transit but mornings aren’t usually the norm for any of us. Maybe it’s because none of us are morning people at the heart of it. Could it be genetic? Makes me laugh to think it is.

Regardless Sister K called me this morning as I was walking out the door to head to my car. We started chatting about mindless things. I think I began to mention an issue I had been struggling with lately that sort of involved Mom and how I may need her to get involved at some point. Then I mentioned I may go home this weekend. Truth be told Husband is out of town this summer for a business internship and I don’t have a ton of friends here since most of them revolve around Husband’s school and they are all gone for summer internships. I am one of the lone wives who had to stay put this summer to continue my job. Sister K will also be gone this weekend so I thought why not just go home. It’s not that far away and I can enjoy my own pool instead of the apartment pool in this awful heat. Plus I can be around people and not hang out alone.

I mentioned all of this to Sister K. We began to rehash some issues that have been going on and we continued to nearly talk in circles. We both have our own opinions on things. Sister K is getting her Masters degree currently in Special Development Disorders so in a way I feel like she understands Mom’s reactions or tendencies better than we do. But at the same time I believe that it may take Dad and Me a little longer but we will come to agreement on certain things in our own time. You can’t rush it. I told her I’d like to talk to Dad at some point this weekend without Mom around. Talk about the same issues we have been talking about and the thoughts Sister K and I have on them. Do I know if it will get us anywhere? I don’t. But I also don’t know at what point you just give up or if you continue to fight fight fight. I feel like Sister K and I are losing momentum with everything. We can only do so much and then Mom has to do the rest. That part is hard. It is hard to compare Mom’s situation with other people’s who have MS. In a way you cannot compare because no two cases of MS are alike in the same way that no two people dealing with MS are alike.

Regardless sometimes it feels like a beatdown, to be perfectly honest. A losing battle that we never win. Problems we can never solve. Changes we want but will never be made. At what point do you throw your hands up and say nevermind, I give up..It’s your life, live it how you want. Is that surrendering to MS? It can be so frustrating to continue talking the same words, expressing the same feelings, it makes me feel like a hamster on a spinning wheel…and the wheel spins over and over and over. As the child in all of this at what point is time to dump all of this and say Dad you handle the changes when you are ready because Sister K and I are getting nowhere. Even though all of this primarily resides in his lap already do you just give up trying to reason and move on or is that being a bad child? I don’t know. It’s tricky and murky territory. But I do know Sister K and I can’t continue spinning our wheels getting us nowhere. Today Sister K said it best when she said, can we just change the topic, I am sick of talking about this and it never gets us anywhere. So we moved on. Is that what we need to do in life? It doesn’t feel like the right decision and maybe that means it isn’t. Or maybe that means it is. I don’t know.

Do you have any problems you feel you circle around but never solve? Have you ever just given up when faced with issues with another person or do you believe in fighting through it? How do you keep yourself inspired to keep fighting? On a lighter note, are you a morning person or a night owl?

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