I Can’t Fix This. (and I am slowly becoming okay with that)

There are two sides to MS in my life- there is what Mom is going through and there is what Dad is going through. I see both sides. Or I should say I hear both sides. More specifically I heard both sides on the phone yesterday.

Mom is in pain. A lot of pain. She is also pretty much bedridden right now. It’s the first time I have said it that way but that is what it is- Mom is pretty much confined to her bed. Her physical therapist has recommended she possibly go back to the rehab facility she was in post-hospital in May 2012. She thinks it will do more for Mom than she can do with just a couple hour visits a couple times a week. Mom feels helpless. Mom feels bad for the burden she is placing on Dad. She feels sad that this is happening. And I get it.

Dad is overwhelmed. Rightfully so. He is going nonstop these days. He does have someone in our house both during the day and at night to help Mom. But on the weekends he is on his own. He’s also just mentally going nonstop. Running his company. Running our house. Also managing Papa’s life. It’s a lot. I have known this for awhile and unfortunately instead of getting better with the addition of help in our house it kind of seems to just be a small band-aid.

But for the first time I really didn’t get overwhelmed/depressed/stressed by this. I listened to Mom and talked to her. I listened to Dad and talked to him. Then I got off the phone and just sort of let it all just settle into the back of my mind. I am not avoiding the issues but I am also not focusing on them. I am beginning to believe we are reaching a cross roads with all of this. A cross roads which I am not sure what the result is going to be because for once I am finally admitting I not only don’t have control but I also can’t fix it. The two biggest things I struggle with I am slowly realizing to let go of them. Call it growth. Call it faith. Whatever it is, I need to trust it to guide my family and me through the challenges we continue to face.

Thanks to this place for listening. And thank you for being a place for me to share my struggles. I think I have experienced this little thing called growth thanks to this other little thing called my MSRecess.

Have you ever had a challenge or struggle that you finally just let go of? Have you ever experienced issues with trying to control or fix things in life and finally realized you just can’t? I’m not an expert yet but I hope I am slowly getting there. I’d love to hear your tips when you feel challenged by life.

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How Well Do You Know Yourself?

I don’t like change. This isn’t really some new revelation to me and it is also not a secret confession. I don’t like change. I get a lot of it thrown at me it seems and I really don’t like it. It is such a normal statement for me to make that I even made it while chatting with my boss at lunch today while we were talking about our lives. I don’t even remember specifically what we were saying but I said, “Yeah well it makes sense because I don’t like change.”

She laughed and said well that’s funny because you are in PR. And we moved on to talking about other things. But the comment hasn’t left me all day because it’s true- I work in public relations- a career that no two days are alike, I never know what will be thrown at me when I walk into my office in the morning or even the second half of the day. The media could call, I could need to pitch a story, a crisis could occur…there is a constant unknown and that means a constant ability to change.

Yet I don’t like change.

It never and I do mean never occurred to me that the career path I have chosen for myself is in direct conflict with who I am deep down. Or is it who I am deep down? Do I really dislike change as much as I think I do? Do I really struggle with it as much as I think I do? Because I do really well at work. I do really well with the thrill of all of suddenly being thrown the impossible and making it possible. It’s a stressful period while I am making it happen but once I do, it is a complete rush.

It’s just got me thinking. They say opposites attract when it comes to significant others, but do you think opposites ever attract when it comes to a career? Is my work persona who I really want to be in my personal life…or is it who I already am, I just need to realize it?

Lots of questions here today but definitely no answers. I do think the thought and connection has entered my head for a reason…now I just need to figure out that reason.

Have you ever worked in a job or volunteer position that requires skills that are opposite of your personality? Do you think we are ever drawn to tasks that are opposite of what we think we would really prefer? Do you ever think we believe our personality traits are one way, yet really they are another?