Same Ol’ Same Ol’

It’s amazing how the mind works. I am beginning to think that when I look back on how I am mentally able to process everything going on with Mom and its impact on my family, I will someday wonder how I did it. I will someday be on the other side of it and look back and think how did I function through all of that? I most likely don’t give my mind enough credit, instead questioning its reactions to everything.

Mom is going home from the rehab facility tomorrow. Sister K and I talked to her about it Wednesday night in a conversation that went in circles. Circles in the fact that we talked about the same thing several times and we both weren’t sure where it was going. We got disconnected in the middle from Mom, Sister K called me back before calling Mom and all we could do was laugh and say “whatttt is going on right now???” Moments like that I can honestly say with every ounce of my being I do not know what I would do without my sister.

I talked to Dad about it a little yesterday and some more today. He told me he had gotten the file from the place and it said Mom had been “self limiting.” An interesting choice of words…taken to mean she isn’t pushing herself like she should. Other charts revealed she had not improved very much. Basically she will be returning home and after one month, we are exactly where we were a month ago. My exact thoughts about all of this initially have been realized. So what next?

Dad said he is bringing in a new company and people to stay with Mom during the day/night. Bringing in a physical therapist to work with her 1 hour a day. He’s going to explain she has to get improve because this is the last option we have…last option before what? I thought rehab was the last option? Now this is the last option?

I realized something on the phone. I could’ve said exactly all of that to Dad on the phone but I didn’t. My conversations on this topic are having to shift a little with Dad because I am having to listen but stay quiet and supportive…even though deep down I really feel very differently and have my own very different thoughts. The words used have become something of a “same ol same ol” in our house. I feel very same ol same ol right now about everything. People ask how Mom is doing? How was rehab? Same ol same ol. This is a big reason I think why I kept this so quiet from everyone…because I wondered deep down if this would happen. I’d rather have never said anything then have to say we are back to same ol same ol.

But what happens when you get tired of this never ending circle we seem to be in called same ol same ol? Is it bad to wonder how much longer your family will be stuck in this never ending space of same ol same ol? Because I wonder. And as someone who hates change, I am beginning to wonder if we are ever going to see any…and dare I say I am actually beginning to pray for change. Because the lack of anything is beginning to wear all of us out. I see Dad trying to keep his spirits up. Taking any hope he gets from anyone as the end all, be all word. I just don’t react the same. Instead when he talks to me and tells me these plans for Mom, I just think same ol same ol. Maybe its bad or maybe it is how my mind is coping with it. The brain is an interesting place and I can’t imagine it is easy to process all of this…maybe instead it has decided this portion of my life is going to be stuck in same ol same ol, so I can remain the support system my family needs without really acknowledging everything going on…I have to trust my mind because it may have decided that if it stops to acknowledge everything going on, it will be overwhelming on levels even it cannot handle.

So how am I today? Same ol same ol. How are you?

 

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A Thanksgiving Lesson

Husband and I traveled to my family’s house for Thanksgiving this year. Sister K spent Thanksgiving with her boyfriend’s family and with Mom primarily bedridden right now, I wasn’t sure how the holiday was going to go. I am big on traditions- the tradition of seeing Mom in the kitchen cooking, everyone together eating, etc etc. Because of this I was honestly a little nervous about Thanksgiving. But I realized a big Thanksgiving lesson- I realized at the end of the day, the purpose of the holiday is family, not food…and it is being thankful for present moments, not past traditions.

What am I talking about?

Well this year we ordered turkey and stuffing. We also ordered pies instead of baking them. Sister K is a teacher and was able to go home on Tuesday to help Mom cook some sides in preparation for Thanksgiving. Then on Thursday I cooked a few more sides and pretty much played hostess to our small family consisting of Papa, Husband and Dad plus Mom and me. Mom wasn’t able to cook anything like she wanted but I did have her cell phone and while I was in the kitchen trying to figure out sweet potatoes I was calling her (only 2 rooms away) to figure out what to do. Going into the weekend I was quite nervous- I was going to have Husband there and combine trying to make sure he is having a good time with a new dynamic in my family, a dynamic that is constantly changing. I had already talked to him about it a lot and he was totally fine as I deep down knew he would be…he reassured me constantly going into it saying we will just go with it.

And go with it we did. I am still processing the fact that in putting away any plans or expectations and “just going with it” I had a wonderful weekend. I also had a very eye opening weekend. I realized that Thanksgiving isn’t about traditional food, cooking together or Mom being in the kitchen. Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I made myself focus on the little moments of being thankful and I am so glad I did- because it was in those little moments that I found Thanksgiving and found the things for which I am most thankful.

And my favorite moment from the weekend- it didn’t involve Thanksgiving Day at all…

It involved Mom, me and Hallmark channel movies. Saturday night Husband and Dad went to go see a “shoot ’em up guy movie” and Mom and I stayed home. We made Thanksgiving leftovers which we ate in Mom and Dad’s room and watched back to back Hallmark Christmas movies. There we were Mom in her hospital bed, me laying in Mom and Dad’s bed with my high school purple fuzzy slippers, Hallmark Christmas movies on the TV and a daughter whose eyes felt very opened to what family and holidays are all about- it was honestly one of those moments I wish I could have lived in forever.

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Hallmark Christmas movies with Mom

Did I learn a big lesson in what it means to be Thankful? Yes. Did I also learn a big lesson in the moments I am thankful for? Yes to that too. I am trying to focus on these little moments more and more…especially when I am home and especially considering Mom’s MS doesn’t seem to be getting any better. These moments are going to carry me to the next moment. These moments will get me through the tough moments. We are given these little moments to remember that this is it. This is life. It is in these moments that I find pure bliss. I am making an effort to focus on these moments more, moments that I know can’t physically last forever but moments that if I take a minute to appreciate will last forever in my mind. It is these moments that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving season.

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Bring it Aisle 17.

Also, just because I love all of you here is a picture of husband and me this Thanksgiving. After dropping off Papa on Thanksgiving evening, we headed to Target to see if there were any deals we could score and this photo-op happened. Another moment I am thankful for and want to remember forever.

What little moments did you have this Thanksgiving? Do you think sometimes there is too much emphasis on tradition and not enough emphasis on the present? I am thankful for each of you and wish each of you a wonderful holiday season. Thank you for reading and sharing while I try to navigate this new part of life. 

The Mental Slow down

I was home for a few days two weeks ago to stay with Mom while Dad was out of town. I had a love/hate relationship with those two days. I loved being home. I loved staying with Mom and spending time with her. I hated everything that had to do with MS. I hated how it tested my patience.

It gave me a great sense of appreciation for everything Dad is dealing with when it comes to Mom. It also made me feel like a failure because I can’t seem to handle everything as smoothly as he or Sister K does.

After quite a bit of soul searching, I think I may have found the root of part of this- I need to slow down. I like to go-go-go. I am a planner. I am always one step ahead and thinking one step ahead. This way of living, feeling and thinking does not work when your Mom has MS. Because these tendencies are pretty heavily intertwined in who I am…in may ways Mom’s MS is fighting constantly with who I am.

I came to this realization about halfway through. I then felt really frustrated with myself. I spent the rest of my time home trying to mentally slow down. Physically slowing down is one thing. But mentally slowing down and focusing on the present with Mom is tough. But I tried. And I was successful for a day. I know it’s a day, but it is some sort of proof to myself that I can do this…baby steps.

So here comes my new challenge, the mental slow down.

When I am in the presence of Mom I need to make a conscious effort to mentally slow down. Fight my urges to speed through our time together and get lots of things accomplished. Instead slow down. Realize I am not going to accomplish that many things. Most importantly realize that is okay and realize the important part is the moment with Mom.

Do you ever had a tendency to try to speed through life? Is it easier to physically slow down than mentally slow down? Do you ever get the two confused?

The Paper Timing of Life

I am old school and still love my hand written pocket calendar.I like to get out my pen and fill in the dates of a new year. I like to use my pen to cross of the days that have passed. It is how I keep appointments and keep my life organized. My calendar is one of my most favorite things I own. I also love watching my calendar fill up. I get a thrill out of a busy schedule..every once in awhile.

I noticed while I was home that Mom also seems to love calendars. She owns three. She has her Thomas Kinkade calendar which is more of a wall piece of art in the kitchen than actually used as a calendar. She has a white board calendar that sticks to the fridge that does most of our household managing. Last but not least she has has this wooden calendar she has been ordering paper refills to fill up for at least 20 years. This calendar organized our household activities for pretty much my entire childhood until we got the white board one. Now I feel really old.

But I think calendars are magical. Dreaming about the future. What kind of events or appointments will fill up the days. I have also noticed during times of high stress I don’t pay as much attention to mine because it tends to stress me out. I don’t anticipate the next activity or cross out the days as religiously as I normally would. I think I try to block out the passage of time.

With Mom’s MS I feel I have become increasingly more aware of the passage of time. I look towards future months and wonder how Mom will be doing. I look back a few months at how she was doing and where we are today. I can pinpoint her health by looking at events and remembering how she was health-wise when we attended them.The journey of MS can’t be chronicled into appointments and events. It lands on the unexpected. It can squash all other appointments and events in its path. Mom’s MS has a mind of its own and in no way respects or cares about my pocket calendar and my plans.

But I continue on dreaming filling in my calendar. And so does Mom. Because at the end of the day you have to live. I read a quote recently about travel but I think it also applies to my life: “You have to fail to plan and plan to fail.” So I sit here with my calendar knowing that it could all be flipped on its head in a split second…but for now, it is all organized neatly into its dates and times all wrapped up in its maroon cover.

My 2013 Pocket Calendar

Do you keep a paper calendar or an electronic one? Why do you prefer one over the other? Have you ever been excited about being busy with plans? Does looking at all the days of the year and all the changes that could happen ever overwhelm you? Do you enjoy filling in the dates of your calendar too?

Embrace the Stampede

I am having a bit of a frustrating day. They are silly reasons but I think the root of them lie in expectations and plans. Two themes in my life that when messed with cause big issues for me. I also realize the things I am upset about today stem from tiny changes to plans and expectations compared to some much bigger issues with plans and expectations I deal with everyday…cue Mom’s MS.

Let’s see if you can follow this: Originally I was going to host my bible study over for a cookie exchange last night. I had to change this because I had a work holiday party come up. Then I rescheduled it for tonight. All was well until a get-together I was supposed to go to last week got rescheduled for tonight. So I moved the cookie exchange to Thursday night….but literally at this point I am still not sure anyone can come. Now my get-together that got rescheduled for tonight has been canceled again…

So here I sit. My plans have gotten changed in all directions. My expectations for my evening and my week have gotten trampled on and I am struggling with how to react.

I mean the bottom line is there is nothing I can do. I have to just roll with it. It kind of reminds me in a far fetched comparison to how I feel about Mom having MS right now. I had all these plans and expectations and because of MS my plans and expectations have gotten trampled on….and I am still figuring out how to react.

It’s just one of those things I guess. But the question remains of how I can better handle these little stampedes life likes to throw at me from time to time. Mom’s MS has provided a permanent stampede everyday but on top of that I have these little ones that like to pop up every once in awhile. I guess I just need to embrace the stampede. Embrace my new plans that will involve spending the evening with Husband and our cat visitor. Spend some time doing laundry and getting caught up on things before the holidays. Spend some time on me. I will embrace the stampede.

Do you ever get frustrated when your plans change– big or small? How do you handle unexpected last minute changes? Have you ever thrown a party you legitimately thought no one may come to? If it happens stay tuned for what may be a Bah Humbug post come Friday!