It’s a funny thing about life. No matter how old you get, sometimes life just kicks you down and you just want your Mom. I was having one of those moments yesterday. I was wallowing in my head for a lot of reasons. I tried hard all weekend to shake this feeling but it just kept getting worse.
I actually thought about calling Mom at one point late Saturday but stopped myself thinking, no, that’s just going to frustrate me even more….Mom won’t totally understand….I’ll have to explain everything even more….because she isn’t going to understand and I’ll have to explain everything even more…and then I’ll get more frustrated…and be more upset than when I started….so I didn’t call.
Then I got to Sunday and I was going over everything in my head and just decided in basic words- screw it, I’m gonna call Mom. Maybe it will be a disaster but maybe I’ll be surprised. Well I was not only surprised, I felt quite a bit better after the phone call. There were some tears, there was Mom’s understanding voice and the bottom line is that there is something about sharing your feelings, your true honest feelings with your Mom- no one understands quite like your Mom.
I don’t do it often and I have learned to problem solve and mentally triage issues more on my own given where Mom is at and where I am at- plus to be honest, some of the issues I face involve the changing dynamic of Mom in my life because of her MS.
But I realized something, Mom may not be able to walk, stand or hold herself up, she may not be able to do the things with me that she once could but no matter what MS does to her, sometimes I just need my Mom.
Have you ever had a dilemma you can’t solve immediately except with time? Have you ever had the same thoughts swirling around but can’t seem to shake them? Have you ever just quite frankly needed your Mom?
It’s been a little while since I last stopped by this place. That is for many reasons:
- I had an insane fall. It kicked off with Sister K getting engaged in August and then nonstop weddings, bachelorette parties and traveling every weekend until pretty much the end of the year. I wish I could say I was exaggerating but I am not. I think I had two free weekends for six months.
- I kind of hate MS.
But recently I have been thinking I need to write about this more. If for no other reason, there are other people out there dealing with this like Sister K and me. I just know it. I see the comments when I google “mom has MS” and I see the comments on MS message boards. This can be a very ugly disease for the the people who have it and the people who love people who have it.
So where are we with Mom’s MS? To sum it up I should probably say “we’re hanging in there.” Mom can’t walk, can’t stand and can’t sit up on her own. I’ll let you fill in the blanks with how everything else works in our house because of that.
We have people coming into our house 24/7 during the week and on the weekends at night. Something that has evolved because Dad was not sleeping on the weekends and running himself ragged after working a full week. The people coming into our house? That has been a mess entirely on its own. One I will share in another post.
Dad believes Mom can improve. So I listen to him say this. Do I think she is going to improve? I am not so sure. I try not to be known as the cynical one but all I have seen is her get progressively and steadily worse…not fast and it has happened over time…but it has happened. He sees it differently but for him, that’s his wife. That’s his forever person. I have also realized the relationship is very different than mine with Mom.
Out of the ordinary though- we are planning a wedding for Sister K and Future Brother J. It’s been a spark of excitement. On the flip side it is a slowly growing spark of stress about how we will manage Mom for the wedding. I will blog about that too.
So here is where we are. Where are you at today beginning this New Year? How is your family? How is your health? Does the idea of not talking about a topic that upsets you make sense or do you believe it is through talking there is healing?