Today I Am Hopeful

Regardless of your political viewpoint, it was good to see the words MS on the cover of ABC News today.  I believe increasing awareness of MS is what is going to increase fundraising support which will in turn increase research which will in turn find a cure.  Every mention of MS in the media only helps build that awareness. 

Its been a tough week filled with tough discussions about Mom, trying to get a handle on what is facing us and trying to do everything we can.  I am trying to be more optimistic.  To hold on to hope because in the end that is all we have.  Deep down no matter how down I feel about what is going on around me with Mom there is always a spec of hope. 

Today I am hopeful.

A Clear Head

At some point Dad, Sister K and Me have to realize Mom’s MS is her MS.  It is our battle to fight but at the same time it is not.  We can’t make her have a fighting spirit if she doesn’t want to have one.  Regarding treatments, regarding medicines, regarding our plans….we are pushing and pushing and not having much success.  The other day I had a thought- while this is our battle to fight it is ultimately Mom’s decisions what path it takes. 

We will never be able to force her to do anything. Because of that we have to listen to her.  We have to find out what her plan is and respect that even if it’s not what our plan would be.  We are all exhausting so much energy coming up with ideas, discussing plans, alternative medicine ideas, doctors, etc that we are in a sense driving ourselves crazy.  It is consuming us. 

I have tried to blog everyday but I think that’s why yesterday I had to take a break.  There may be other days when I have to take a break.  Tuesday was a tough day and night with some tough conversations with Dad.  I started to feel overwhelmed and overcome with stress from all of this.  I also felt very frustrated with Mom.  So yesterday I needed a break.  I didn’t want to think about MS.  When I talked to Mom on the phone at lunch, I didn’t bring up how she was feeling and we just talked.  It was nice. 

I think I learned a lesson, I can’t just sit and let my worries consume me, especially when its an issue that can’t be solved.  I need to take a step back and come back to it later with a clear head and a better attitude.

Gotta Have Faith

I have to have faith in Dad.  I think Sister K and I like to jump the gun, think we know best and take over.  And we can’t.  I had a nice talk with Dad last night on the phone which he said, I need you both to trust me that if and when the time comes that we need more help I fully intend to go get it. I am not going to  wear myself out and I will know when that time comes.  He also told me that unless Sister K and I intend to go back to school to get our nursing licenses we can’t help at the level that may be needed.  That kind of made me laugh.

So Sister K and I are still working through things, we are still figuring them out but we are realizing we have to have faith in Dad.  Faith that as Mom’s best friend he’ll know when, if it ever becomes necessary, to make the decision about getting extra help at home.  He’ll know what he needs to do to take care of Mom and himself and we’ll be there to support him through it.

We Need a Plan

Sister K and I were talking at lunch today.  We don’t know what our role needs to be going forward to help out with Mom’s MS.  We also don’t know what is in Mom’s head regarding her MS.  We wonder if Mom is doing everything she can?  We wonder if our approach is correct? We wonder what phase Mom is at with this disease?  Has she experienced acceptance of it or something else? We are confused and unsure.  We don’t understand.  We also just feel like we are at a loss for what we are supposed to do.  At the same time, how much can we do?  The help and support Mom needs is on a daily basis.  It is not in our power to move back in at home and be there everyday to help out.  I also don’t think physically we can provide the assistance she needs. 

Once again we are beating our head against a wall about this.  And it’s frustrating.  It’s almost like we need a plan.  But what’s the plan?  A schedule of weekends we will go home and do what we can- clean, run errands, grocery shop, whatever we can do to help out.  Is that the most we can do?  What else can we do?  And then the questions begin again. 

Today I am confused. I am overwhelmed and confused.  I need guidance.  Mom is stubborn.  We all have qualities in us that would make dealing with issues difficult and this is hers.  It’s easy for people to say “tell your Mom to do this, tell her to do that” but they don’t know her.  Sister K does and that is why she is my main support in all of this.  We can support each other but together we can’t figure out how we are supposed to support Mom.  Once again I feel like I am 20 years too early for these discussions.  I feel like we don’t know enough or have the resources available to us for these decisions.  It’s hard.  It’s a big, overwhelming picture.  It’s a lot of things at once. 

The only thing I can wrap my head around right now is we need a plan.  A realistic plan given our limitations in life right now.  Even if all we can think of right now is to start small with a plan of weekends we will go home and run errands.  We have to start somewhere.  I don’t know where else to begin.  This is ironic because I love to plan.  I am a self-proclaimed planner.  But this kind of planning causes something inside of me to mentally shut down.  I am going to have to learn to fight that in order to be the person I need to be to fight Mom’s MS.     

When it comes to MS, how do you share responsibility?  Do you have any other ideas of what we should add to our plan?

Pretending to Care

Mom and Dad are going to go meet some of Mom’s college friends at someone’s ranch this weekend.  Since Mom is an only child her college best friends are like sisters to her and she really enjoys these get-togethers.  They have all had kids together and now we have become friends as well since we are close in age.  It’s friendship at its finest.  Telling these women about Mom’s MS was probably the hardest of anyone else she had to tell.  She actually had Sister K and I send them an email explaining it because she couldn’t do it herself.  They had seen changes in her, they were worried and they had begun to ask questions.  She was afraid of what would happen when they knew and how they would react.  Instead they have rallied behind her.  They call and email to see how she is.  Whenever we are all around they always keep conversation normal and don’t treat Mom any differently.  They offer to come to our house and help even though they live in different cities.  They are a group of people who have not only said they care but they’ve showed it.  An interesting concept- saying you care and showing it. 

Personally I have had a lot of people tell me they care.  Tell me to let them know if I need anything.  But the problem is they don’t maintain a close enough relationship that makes me comfortable enough to call on them.  Through Mom’s diagnosis I have learned as well who my real friends are and who really cares.  It’s been a painful process, one that’s still not over. 

I get asked by Husband, what would you like people to do?  The answer, I don’t know.  I don’t know, but I know when they aren’t doing what they should do if they really cared.  I want people to really mean it when they say they care.  I want people to make Mom comfortable when she is around them.  I want people to actually take Mom to lunch instead of just saying “I’m going to call you, we’re going to go to lunch.”  I want people to keep in touch with my family better and not just want to know the details whenever we happen to run into them.  In those same moments, I want them to stop with the quick reminders that they are there and they care.  I also want them to stop offering the unsolicited advice of the 100 things Dad, Sister K and I should be doing or making Mom do.  We are doing the best we can and if you really knew us, you’d know that.  

I have learned it really is true what they say- Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Listening and Loquats

I take for granted my ability to just straighten things up or do things around the house.  My ability to have a “to do list” that if I avoid procrastinating I can get everything done in a timely manner.  It isn’t until I go home do I realize how much I take this for granted.  As a woman your natural instinct is to make things presentable and as a Mom even more so.  I think this is why Mom gets even more frustrated over the “chores” around the house that she can’t do.  The past week she was upset because her loquat plants were overgrown and needed to be cut back.  She had no way of getting to them because if she got out there with her walker she couldn’t balance to cut them. 

So yesterday Sister K went home just for the night.  She had to pick up some things and was there less than 24 hours.  But Sister K didn’t just go home and sit around and relax.  We both have realized there are certain items Mom mentions that she really needs help getting done.  Certain items that are just going to make her feel better knowing they are accomplished.  We also know that if we don’t step up to do these things it will all rest on Dad’s shoulders in addition to the other things he does. 

So Sister K stepped up.  She ran some errands to a craft store to get some supplies Mom needed, she painted Mom’s toe nails (this is their thing, everytime Sister K comes home…and it’s sweet) and she cut back the loquats in the back yard.  Just knowing how much these specific items mean to Mom I know she is already feeling better about life today.  Sister K didn’t leave empty handed either, Mom sent her home with some tuna salad she got up early to prepare.  A way Mom can still be Mom, sending us home with food after our visits. 

We are learning that we need to help around the house in ways we might have overlooked before or in ways we might not have needed to before because Mom did those things herself.  We also need to listen to what Mom needs.  We need to listen because we can’t do everything but we can do a few things that will lift up her spirits and make her feel accomplished.  Feel accomplished in the same way I feel when I have crossed off the items off my “to do list.”

Just Mom

Sometimes I think it’s good to not always focus on MS.  Mom’s MS is often a focus for us.  It somehow sneaks its way into pretty much every conversation.  It has a funny way of doing that- it’s a weasel.  A sneaky one. 

Today on the phone at lunch Mom and I just talked.  She was in a good mood, she was focused and listening. We laughed and we just talked.  I never asked about how she was feeling or how things were going today.  This wasn’t on purpose but I just didn’t think about it because our conversation was so filled with other things to talk about.

This afternoon as I was thinking about our conversation I got a smile on my face.  I was thinking of what a good conversation it was.  It’s important that not every chat with Mom, not every sentence or thought has to do with MS.  MS is important but it’s more important to focus on who Mom is without it.  Not Mom with MS but just Mom.  In my moments of frustration or sadness I forget this.  These moments don’t come as often as they used to but today was a good day.  Today I had the opportunity to allow my mind to be lost in just Mom through a phone call.  And I am thankful for the moment.

Hold My Hand

Meet Mom.  This was taken on my wedding day.  This is our relationship.  Holding hands. Supporting each other. Sometimes you don’t need words.  Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand.  When Mom holds my hand I know everything’s going to be alright and in this moment with a squeeze of a hand that’s what she told me. 

Now I hold her hand as we navigate the muddy waters of MS.  And without words but with the squeeze of my hand I let her know I am here.   

My Escape

I am in the midst of reading Hunger Games.  If you need a complete escape from life that will take over your thoughts and consume you while you’re reading, this is it.  I jumped on the bandwagon and am so happy I did.  Sister K and I are reading them together.  We have tried to get Mom to but she’s not very interested.  That’s fine because it has given Sister K and I something new to bond over, as if we needed one more thing. 

Hunger Games also provides a much needed escape.  How often in life we just need an escape and we can’t exactly pack up and head to a beach everyday.  Mom is escaping these days through games on her iPad- scramble, words with friends and newest draw with friends.  Sometimes we escape through television shows and discuss them together, The Bachelor is a big family favorite.  Our poor Dad.  But the point is no matter what it is, sometimes you need an escape. 

At lunch today Mom and I were talking about friends of mine who have started to have babies.  I told her I didn’t feel ready for that and she said well I am in no hurry for that either.  Her reasoning though is different than most Moms’ reasoning or what you would imagine- she is scared.  She is scared of her physical limitations as a mother to me and a grandmother to someone else when the time comes.  She is scared she won’t be able to offer me the support I need like her Mom helped her when I was first born.  She is scared of this because it is a big unknown.  What is also an unknown is how Mom’s physical state will be when this time comes.  I told her we would just deal with that when the time comes and made some silly jokes about making Sister K come and Mom could just bark orders at her while I caught up on sleep.  And she laughed, but at the same time it doesn’t change things.  It doesn’t fix the unknown for us. 

So after we had that chat I needed an escape.  I’m not running from problems or fears but at the same time this is one specifically I can’t dwell on because I can feel my mind beginning to go crazy when I think about the topic too much.  I can feel myself get upset.  It’s hard when the future used to bring a sense of anticipation and excitement of things to look forward to for our family and now those moments have an underlying sense of fear. 

So I escape.  I have Hunger Games to thank for that escape today.  Another moment it may be a tv show or a blog. The important thing though is to escape.  I know it’s healthy.  It allows me to take a break, to refocus so the parts of the future that are scary and unknown aren’t the front of my mind at a time when it’s not necessary for them to be there.    

Do you believe in escaping from life sometimes? What’s your escape?

Fighting Thoughts

It’s Friday and my head feels full.  Full of thoughts of the week, full of plans for the weekend, full of life.  I got frustrated with Mom last night for no reason.  I had tried to talk on the phone to her the other evening but she was too tired from her rehab classes.  I tried again last night but my Grandpa was over at our house for the evening because Dad is out of town. I was frustrated.  Husband said I was being too hard on Mom.  Sister K said I needed to relax.  It was just hard.  Knowing I needed to talk to her but she was tired and then she was busy.  Two days in a row.  But now here I am.  About the same time on a Friday afternoon feeling a similar way and I am only tired from a work week.  Not from a rehab class, not from trying to get into a car without falling, not from pushing a walker everywhere I go.  No, I am just tired from the work week.  Mom has all of this to deal with everyday plus thoughts.  Thoughts about MS.  Thoughts about her daughters.  Thoughts about life. 

Mom is still the same Mom but she does have a couple extra things going on inside of her mind.  A couple extra things to worry about that are really not that little.  They are actually bigger than I give them credit for.  I don’t even know the full extent of what she worries about because I don’t know her innermost fears and thoughts. 

So on this Friday as I sit here tired with a full head of thoughts, I think of Mom.  I think of how I am blessed by the way she tries her hardest to keep up with us but sometimes she just can’t.  I need to learn to recognize that.  I think about ways I need to be more understanding in those times.  I need to not be so hard on her and realize she is fighting to be Mom and fighting MS all at the same time.  I need to not give her something else to fight with like me. Instead I need to learn how to fight my own thoughts.  I need to fight to be more patient.  I need to fight to be more understanding. I need to recognize this is part of my mom has MS.    

Have a Happy Friday and a wonderful weekend.  Hope you take a second to fight your own negative thoughts, whatever they may be.  Thank you for coming here and reading this week.