I Am Having A Bad Daughter Moment

Confession: I feel like such a bad daughter. Last night Dad called and he was so excited because Mom was able to stand for a few minutes holding on to these bars at her rehab facility. I was on the phone and for whatever reason I just didn’t want to hear it. It is a mix between struggling to care and struggling to hope. I think my exact response in my head (not out loud) was thinking that’s great, is she going to stand tomorrow? My exact response out loud was “that’s so great Dad. Wow. That is amazing.”

I mean I feel awful that I had this thought. That I continue to have thoughts like this. Sister K said, we have to let Dad just be Dad with all this because maybe he needs this so he can get a better idea of where Mom is at and how she will or will not improve. She is probably right. But I just feel like I have really limited patience or ability to “fake” excitement right now. So instead I have kind of pulled back from checking in on Mom’s progress or getting updates as often.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not struggling with my relationship with my family…I am just feeling off about everything going on right now.

I feel bad about it. I continue to feel bad about it. I don’t know why I am feeling this way right now but I am. I just needed to come here and say it. I needed to tell someone.

Thank you for being my someones. 

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A Lot To Talk About

I have to admit that I think I have been avoiding this blog. Not because I don’t have a lot to talk about but because I have a lot to talk about and in talking about it, it all becomes more real.

The past few months have been tough with Mom. Basically she is pretty much bedridden or in a wheelchair. She cannot stand on her own or walk. I am sure you can imagine the challenge this has created within my family..more specifically Dad. We have had two women caring for Mom for the past 6 months, one during the day and one at night. Dad has been doing it on his own on the weekends.

One weekend in January I went home and took care of Mom on my own. Dad was on a work trip and Sister K and I wanted him to stay an extra day so he could just have some time to himself. In order to do this, one of us needed to go home and be with Mom. It worked out better for my schedule so I did. I was happy to do it but it was mentally and physically exhausting at the same time. I just kept thinking I can’t believe Dad does this on his own every weekend on top of managing life- running errands, grocery shopping and taking care of everything else. I had taken home my computer, books and movies thinking we’d have lots of down time but that was not the case. I am not sure how but it just was not the case.

To make a long update short, at the recommendation of Mom’s physical therapist and Mom’s doctor, Mom has entered a rehab facility for intense physical therapy for a few weeks. She has been there about two weeks and going on her third week. It was a battle to get her in there in the first place because of insurance since this is different from last time when she went from the hospital to rehab.

How is she doing? Has there been improvement? Sorta. But she isn’t standing or walking yet and a big part of me wonders if she will ever stand or walk again. I am having some serious internal struggling with this since Dad is so hopeful that she will and I don’t want to see like the family pessimist. At the same time, I have read a lot on MS and I just don’t know. No one knows I guess.

So I guess you could say I am struggling right now. MS continues to be something our family is dealing with and it continues to be something that will never give us a break. Even Mom being in rehab hasn’t been a “break” for Dad because he is having to stay on top of her care, on top of the doctors, physical therapists and go to visit her when he isn’t at work. It has actually added more to the work load than less like he originally thought.

I will continue to write more on all of these topics. I need to. I think it is helpful on a lot of levels and I am going to force myself to do it. The bottom line is writing about it is like my own therapy and writing about it amidst this community has become a way and a place for me to know that my family is not alone in our struggles. Thanks for continuing to read as I come and go from time to time. I am beginning to think it is reflective of how I am managing everything, how much I want to talk about it and deal with it and how much I prefer to remain quiet. But there is a lot to talk about and I am going to continue to do it.