Same Ol’ Same Ol’

It’s amazing how the mind works. I am beginning to think that when I look back on how I am mentally able to process everything going on with Mom and its impact on my family, I will someday wonder how I did it. I will someday be on the other side of it and look back and think how did I function through all of that? I most likely don’t give my mind enough credit, instead questioning its reactions to everything.

Mom is going home from the rehab facility tomorrow. Sister K and I talked to her about it Wednesday night in a conversation that went in circles. Circles in the fact that we talked about the same thing several times and we both weren’t sure where it was going. We got disconnected in the middle from Mom, Sister K called me back before calling Mom and all we could do was laugh and say “whatttt is going on right now???” Moments like that I can honestly say with every ounce of my being I do not know what I would do without my sister.

I talked to Dad about it a little yesterday and some more today. He told me he had gotten the file from the place and it said Mom had been “self limiting.” An interesting choice of words…taken to mean she isn’t pushing herself like she should. Other charts revealed she had not improved very much. Basically she will be returning home and after one month, we are exactly where we were a month ago. My exact thoughts about all of this initially have been realized. So what next?

Dad said he is bringing in a new company and people to stay with Mom during the day/night. Bringing in a physical therapist to work with her 1 hour a day. He’s going to explain she has to get improve because this is the last option we have…last option before what? I thought rehab was the last option? Now this is the last option?

I realized something on the phone. I could’ve said exactly all of that to Dad on the phone but I didn’t. My conversations on this topic are having to shift a little with Dad because I am having to listen but stay quiet and supportive…even though deep down I really feel very differently and have my own very different thoughts. The words used have become something of a “same ol same ol” in our house. I feel very same ol same ol right now about everything. People ask how Mom is doing? How was rehab? Same ol same ol. This is a big reason I think why I kept this so quiet from everyone…because I wondered deep down if this would happen. I’d rather have never said anything then have to say we are back to same ol same ol.

But what happens when you get tired of this never ending circle we seem to be in called same ol same ol? Is it bad to wonder how much longer your family will be stuck in this never ending space of same ol same ol? Because I wonder. And as someone who hates change, I am beginning to wonder if we are ever going to see any…and dare I say I am actually beginning to pray for change. Because the lack of anything is beginning to wear all of us out. I see Dad trying to keep his spirits up. Taking any hope he gets from anyone as the end all, be all word. I just don’t react the same. Instead when he talks to me and tells me these plans for Mom, I just think same ol same ol. Maybe its bad or maybe it is how my mind is coping with it. The brain is an interesting place and I can’t imagine it is easy to process all of this…maybe instead it has decided this portion of my life is going to be stuck in same ol same ol, so I can remain the support system my family needs without really acknowledging everything going on…I have to trust my mind because it may have decided that if it stops to acknowledge everything going on, it will be overwhelming on levels even it cannot handle.

So how am I today? Same ol same ol. How are you?

 

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A Monday Smile

We got Mom an iPhone for Christmas and it has been a hilarious undertaking trying to explain how to use it…especially via long distance. She’s got the phone and texting parts down but when it comes to fancier things, Sister K and I must take a “patience pill” before we start explaining.

The best thing about Mom getting an iPhone has been the addition of group text messages into our life. Sister K and I have had to learn to slow down our thoughts because Mom can’t keep up…slow down. Seems to be a growing theme with all things MS related. Another post for another day.

Last night, somehow, Mom managed to take a “selfie video” (as she called it) of herself watching the Oscars and of the decorations in her room at her rehab place courtesy of Sister K. It was a silly video but you could tell she was really trying to capture everything in and was so proud of it. She also said if we share the video we are dead…so unfortunately I won’t be sharing.

Sister K was the one who guided her through how to send it to us via text. Sister K seems to be better at explaining these technology things to Mom. I think I get overwhelmed and don’t even know where to begin with teaching her how to do it…it is probably because Sister K is a teacher and naturally thinks in teaching ways. I think big picture, I am overwhelmed and Sister K just dives in…although there are times when we flip roles and it is the reverse of this between us.

Regardless, it was a cute video and it was sweet to see Mom being so proud of what may seem like a little accomplishment to many. It is also another example of the power of technology in keeping people connected…I think people forget that many of these connections could be happening in hospital rooms/rehab rooms with people away from family all over the country. The video also made me smile when I watched it last night…and it just made me sit back and smile as I just watched it again…not for the content but for a Monday smile.

I hope something crosses your path today no matter how simple or silly it may seem that makes you smile too.