A Family of Tortoises

Posted on by
3

We move slow. Like really really slow. If you compared us to The Tortoise and The Hare, we are a family of tortoises. This requires patience. It requires me to shut my mind down and not be in a hurry. It requires some practice too because slowing down doesn’t just come naturally.

Saturday after our football game, Sister K and Husband headed back immediately. Husband had to study and Sister K had evening plans. I stayed behind with Mom, Dad and Grandpa because I didn’t have anything going on that evening. There are two ways for Mom and Dad to get home and one of them would pass through our city so they could drop me off en route home. This way I could drive the majority of the way back and give Dad a break.

As the four of us walked into a restaurant to meet up with my Godfather and his wife after the game, I noticed how slow we were moving. As I helped Mom to the restroom and back to our table, we moved slow. Then en route on the way back we made a restroom stop at McDonalds and this ended up being about a 30 minute break for us.

I did a good job of not getting frustrated. I think I mentally was just thinking, this is what it is. This is what it is. Getting frustrated is not going to make Mom move faster. Mom is moving as fast as she can. She was worn out by the time she had walked inside McDonald’s with her walker and back out to the car. I saw it in her face how much effort was involved for something that many people take for granted. But even though she is moving slow, in the world of MS the important piece is she is moving. And for that I am thankful.

But it’s still hard. It’s hard because you have to desensitize yourself to your surroundings. Stop watching the people who are able to get in and out of McDonald’s in 5 minutes. Stop thinking of the clock ticking by into the late night while you are tired and patiently walking slow with Mom. Making sure your face stays pleasant during all of this patient waiting. Continuing to small talk with Mom so she doesn’t feel awkward as she moves so slow. It is effort for everyone. For Mom and for all of us. In a way. it is more effort to move slow than to move fast.

But, no matter how slow we are moving, we are moving. Sometimes it allows you to really pause and absorb the moment. Sometimes you are fighting everything within you not to just throw your hands up in frustration. You have to control your mind and mentally let the thoughts that come along with regular day to day life disappear. The impulses you have to hurry up and move fast, you have to let them go. And I was proud of myself because Saturday evening I was able to let my inner controller/planner go and just exist. Knowing eventually we would leave McDonald’s. No matter how long it took eventually we’d be outside. But most importantly was that Mom was doing this on her own.

Do you consider yourself a tortoise or a hare? Do you struggle with moving slower when you are used to moving faster? Do you ever allow your mind to mentally zone out of a situation to better deal it?

Football and Accountability

Posted on by
Reply

College football season has begun. I am not a huge football fan, even in college the games were more of a social event than an intense sports experience for me. I went to the same college my Grandpa went to. He and my Grandma had season tickets to the games all their lives and this became very special when I started there as well. The funny thing is I had never intended to go to this university- Mom and Dad didn’t go there and I was considering other schools. I had applied, was accepted and just decided in March of my senior year I would go. I based this on deciding one college I was considering was too close because it was in the same city as my parents and the other was in another state and too far away. This one seemed like the perfect compromise.

That decision began a series of memories I could not imagine my life without. When I started college I would visit with my Grandparents before the games. When Sister K decided she also wanted to go there Mom and Dad also bought season tickets. They would come up with my grandparents and visit with us before the games. I only experienced that for one year because Sister K and I only overlapped in college for one year- I was a senior and she was a freshman.

Two years ago my Grandmother passed away from Alzheimer’s and around that time Mom’s MS symptoms were making it more difficult to attend the games. So Sister K, Husband and I started going with my Grandfather. He would ride up on a bus chartered by the school or we would go home for the weekends and drive him up and back.

Last football season Mom and Dad didn’t go to any games. It became too much with all of the walking and our student center was being renovated so there wasn’t a place for her to sit and watch indoors with Dad. But now our student center is finished and tomorrow we are all going to the game. Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Husband, Sister K and Me. Mom and Dad won’t go to the game but will sit inside the student center to watch. We’ll wheel Mom around in her wheelchair and she will love being back in the middle of the game day atmosphere. More than anything we will be creating new memories.

The day will probably bring some challenges for us. I am sure there will be new things to learn as we navigate Mom around our college campus, figure out the best place to eat for everyone to feel most comfortable and get Mom and Dad a nice spot to sit and watch the game at…I have given it just a “little” thought. But at the same time I am excited to share this with everyone again. I am hoping I remain patient and am able to roll with any bumps in the road that may occur along the way. I am writing it here as a way to remind myself to be patient and avoid feeling overwhelmed and frustrated- to hold myself accountable.

What are you plans for the weekend? Do you like college football or ever go to any football games of any kind? How do you hold yourself accountable when trying to change?

A Little Rant

Posted on by
6

My mom walks with a walker. But aside from that, she is still the same person and would like to be treated the same way she has always been treated by friends and family. She doesn’t want a lot of attention drawn to her. In my head this logical train of thought makes sense.

For some reason though there is a disconnect between my thoughts on this and the way Mom is treated at gatherings with friends and family. People seem to insist that because Mom has a walker, she goes first. For example at a dinner gathering, people insist on Mom walking first to get to the table and they follow behind. They insist upon waiting on the driveway until we walk all the way to our car as a family and even watch us get Mom in the car. The biggest one recently was at a family birthday party gathering- they announced it was time to eat and then insisted Mom go first along with her 85 year old uncle who also has trouble walking to be followed by the other elderly grandparents present. This irritated me. I know they were trying to be nice but it was irritating. Irritating on a number of levels. First of all, I understand people giving respect to elderly relatives and allowing them to get their food first. However, Mom doesn’t want to be lumped into the same category as her elderly relatives just because she has a walker. It also takes Mom awhile to move around. Then she feels pressured because everyone is staring, waiting for her to move, waiting for her to get in her car or get to the restaurant table. On top of that, I was just going to get Mom’s plate of food for her so she didn’t have to drawn any attention to herself. So then I had to explain that instead of just doing it quietly. 

I have talked to Husband about how much this frustrates me. He said he thinks people just think they are being courteous and don’t know what else to do. What I would like to tell everyone else is to just be normal. Go walk to your table, go get in the car, go ahead and start the food line- we don’t mind. The fact that you are stopping to wait also means you are stopping to stare. This then adds pressure and stress to an already sometimes stressful situation. Becuase yes, it takes awhile for Mom to move. Sometimes we have to help her move. We don’t want a lot people standing there staring and waiting while this is happening.

This is kind of a bit of a rant. I do see both sides and understand the point of view everyone is taking. What I don’t know is how to fix this. I don’t know if in the moment I should suggest to people to go ahead and not wait for us. I just find it awkward and irritating. I think I take it more personally because in my eyes Mom isn’t an elderly grandparent, she is my 59 year old Mom. So don’t treat her like she is my grandmother, treat her like the person she is, my Mom.

Do you have any experiences where you think people may just be trying to be nice but in the process they are irritating you? Do you think people have a tendency to treat others with handicap needs like they are on an elderly level? Am I being too sensitive and need to blow this off?

Let’s All Go To The Movies

Posted on by
1

Do you enjoy movies? I do. I like going to the movies, renting movies, basically movies of any sort. They are a nice break, they can provide a fun activity and they can provide a cheap date night for Husband and me especially when we rent a RedBox for $1 and watch at home.

My family has always enjoyed movies. Being from a house full of girls, Dad typically got stuck at lots of chickflicks and not too many action packed adventures. We do love comedies though. Nothing is funnier than a chaotic family comedy scene in a movie full of one liners that we know we will be reciting again and again.

Today I was online and saw the Top 40 movies coming out this fall and it looks like there are some good ones. One in particular made me think of my mother- Parental Guidance. It is starring Billy Crystal and Bette Midler as grandparents watching their grandchildren for the week. Not only do my parents love both of these actors, I can already hear my parents laughing, especially Dad. As I read through the preview, I was thinking I can’t wait to take them to see this.

The other nice thing is knowing that seeing a movie isn’t going to be a big stress on Mom. She knows the theater, knows the set-up and they even have handicap accessible seating. Buy some popcorn, plop down and enjoy a mindless break for an hour or so. Or we rent the movie, all sit around in the living room and enjoy an evening of laughter together. That’s the great thing about movies. We have so many alternatives to how we can experience them but regardless of which way we choose I know it will be a fun escape.

Does your family enjoy movies? Have you found movies to be an stress free or stressful activity? Do you all agree on movies? Anyone out there looking forward to “Parental Guidance?”

Baseboard Horror

Posted on by
7

I am by nature not a neat person. But that being said, I love the feel of a clean house. This past weekend I cleaned our apartment and when I say cleaned I mean “really cleaned.” Husband and I both tend to lean towards the messier side with clutter so I had to start there and then went into cleaning products mode.

Please don’t be too harsh on me as I begin to divulge the secrets of my messy apartment. I decided to pick up a towel and dust the base boards just to see if anything would come up. Then I stood there in horror at the amount of dust/dirt that did come up. I then felt like I could feel Mom standing there laughing at me. Laughing because whenever Sister K and I go home we have a tendency to get after Mom and Dad about the state of our house. It isn’t a disaster but with everything with Mom’s MS it isn’t exactly a priority either. Mom can’t clean it on her own, we don’t have a maid so they do what they can. But Sister K and I have a tendency to go home and get frustrated about this. We are learning to just go with it though. Realizing our parents are happy, they are doing what they can and whether or not the floor has been swept really isn’t as big of a priority as whether or not Mom has exercised today.

Sunday afternoon as I looked at the towel of baseboard dust I thought to myself, who do you think you are going into Mom’s house and judging how clean her house is when look at your own. And then I laughed. Another lesson learned. I should probably not consider myself to be high and mighty in the cleanliness department after thoroughly examining my own apartment this past weekend. I definitely got kicked off my “know it all perch” I like to place myself on from time to time.

Regardless, my apartment is now clean. And I am trying to keep it that way as long as I can.

Do you tend to be a neat or messy person by nature? How often do you clean your house? Has anyone else ever been horrified by their baseboards?

I believe in…

Posted on by
Reply

I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the power of a Mother’s love.

One of the greatest blessings I have is my Mother. This is also one of the reasons I struggle with this disease that is impacting her life so strongly. But I also know beyond the walker and beyond the MS, at the core of who she is, she is my Mom.

Today I am kind of down. I called Mom to express these various reasons with her. It was instinctive really. I felt down, I needed to talk, I called Mom. I called her as I was walking to church on my lunch hour. We talked and she listened. She encouraged and through her voice I felt the presence of her love. Her ability to somehow help me know everything will be alright. I then went to church and prayed. 40 minutes after the start of my lunch hour I felt better. I felt uplifted and I had a more positive perspective.

The Lord gives us Mothers for a reason. I also know he gave me my specific Mom for a reason too. Today I put the two hand in hand, leaned on both of them and this afternoon I feel like everything is going to be okay. My problems aren’t solved, but I do have greater peace of mind. A greater piece of mind I hope to continue and reflect on during this long weekend.

Who or what helps you through a tough time or a tough moment? Who do you call when you need to talk? Wishing you a safe, relaxing and happy holiday weekend!

Reply All

Posted on by
Reply

This morning I woke up to 10 emails between Mom and Sister K that I was included on beginning at approximately 11:00 last night and ending at 11:30. I was laughing as I tried to decipher how the conversation had gone, the path it had taken and the change in subject over the course of the emails. The silly, pointless, unintelligent conversation. Husband thinks my family can do this like no one else…I am not sure if he means that in a good way or bad way when he says it..

But I have to commend Sister K here. She has a way of sending emails full of spunk, energy and happiness to get Mom out of a funk. She makes them silly and simple and repeatedly calls all of us best friends.

Since my family is going on a cruise next summer we have decided we are going to have “Cruisemas” this year for Christmas. Everyone is thinking of cruise related gifts to buy each other. Sister K is obsessed with buying the “best friends” matching tote bags. That is how the email chain began- selecting monograms, colors, fonts, and then slowly evolving to a bunch of nonsense. We still haven’t reached a decision and we have had pointless emails about this all day. Someone reading these emails might question our intelligence.

The point though is how important these emails are to us. It is impossible for us to be together all day and impossible for us to talk to each other all day. We know Mom is at home the majority of the day without much activity because of the limitations of her MS. These emails are important for her. They lift up her spirits, they make her laugh and roll her eyes at her ridiculous daughters. But they make her feel a part of something fun, every day. Replying all…all together.

One of the luxuries of the current world we live in is all of the options we have for communication. Phone calls, texting, emails, facebook, twitter, blogs, the list goes on. With Mom’s MS and the distance between us, these different methods are very helpful and important for us to use. Sister K and I will use any means necessary to bring a smile to Mom’s face and to make her feel a little happier at times. It may seem basic but it is so important. The art of communication can be the most powerful tool in helping to bring a little happiness to someone’s life- no matter how silly the communication may be.

How do you use the tools of communication to keep in touch with loved ones? Do you enjoy taking a break from real life and acting silly with loved ones? If you had to select a monogram would you pick your first name or initials?

Fighting for MS

Posted on by
2

I have readers that have shared with me the impact of MS on their lives- those with MS, those with family members and friends with MS, those who have parents with MS. After Mom was diagnosed I immediately went to the MS Society website to begin to learn how I could get more involved in their efforts for a disease that now personally impacted me.

Sister K and I did the MS Walk one year and we really enjoyed it. It was after Mom was newly diagnosed and we wanted to participate. We coordinated our outfits with pink and purple shirts, our official “best friend’s uniform” and then showed up to discover most people were in orange as it is one of the main colors for the MS Society. I found it comical. We were so new to the impact of MS on our lives that it had never occurred to us there would be a unifying color we needed to coordinate with- now we know better.  

It was a powerful experience though. As Sister K and I drove up to see all the people out there to support those with MS, Sister K got tears in her eyes. We were filled with a rush of different emotions because we had never experienced anything like this before. We want to do more and are seeing what else is out there. Maybe someday the MS 150 but that requires quite a bit of committment and training, plus it requires the purchase of a bike.  

I am curious if you have ever participated in fundraising efforts for any purpose, MS related or for any other cause? Did you learn things after the first time you did it? Have you ever done it again?

What’s Your Mantra?

Posted on by
8

I think life mantras are interesting. Words to live by. Sayings you tell yourself when you don’t know what else to say. They typically appear during the tough times but can also appear during the good times too. In moments where I am overwhelmed or left alone with my thoughts they tend to surface.

I was talking to Mom today about different frustrations Husband and I are dealing with and she responded by saying, just remember “good things come to those who wait.” It was a nice response but what I appreciated more was connecting with Mom over this moment and this mantra. This mantra is one that makes me think of Mom. One that she has applied to her own life and one I have seen played out in my own life up until this point as well. It was also special because I have recently been struggling to sometimes connect with Mom on the phone for various reasons, most of which I think stem from MS. Sometimes our conversations leave me feeling frustrated by my own expectations. Today though it was nice to get some old fashioned advice from Mom.

The conversation got me thinking about life mantras and my own personal ones. The phrases I repeat to myself or others if they were in need of a short tidbit of advice.

One of my favorites:
“Just breathe” -I stole this from the movie Ever After

One Husband and I learned from our sponsor couple during marriage counseling:
“Nothing is ever as bad as it seems and nothing is ever as good as it seems.”

One I started using to find humor in an annoying situation…it is now also one Mom likes to throw around now when describing her MS symptoms:
“Are you kidding me??”

One that is tough and can cause you to reflect forwards and backwards:
“Everything happens for a reason.”

I know these are all over the place but they are the first ones that come to mind. I am curious if you have any life mantras you live by? Where did they come from? How do you use them?

The Magic of the Beach

Posted on by
2

A recharge weekend. A brief but important escape. A sunburn souvenir. These are all the perfect ways to describe this past weekend. Husband and I headed to the beach for a quick mini-vacation before he begins the 2nd year of his MBA program tomorrow. I didn’t realize how much we needed the mini-vacation until yesterday as we were heading back.

This summer has been one focused on Mom. Husband was also out of town for an internship for most of it too. I know it may sound bad to say but this helped me to balance being a daughter during that tough time with being a wife. But, as Husband and I near our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks I don’t feel any more knowledgeable on that subject than I did when we first got married. That balance is something I am still trying to figure out. Even under completely uneventful circumstances I don’t believe it is something that would happen magically overnight. 

Mom’s MS brings a level of stress to my own life. Husband’s rigorous MBA program has also done the same. Both are out of my control but directly impact my life. Just as I felt Mom’s MS may be settling down, Husband’s job interviews are creeping up indicating a stressful time for us. It’s kind of like a seesaw and I just go back and forth between the two for the time being. It is also difficult balancing that because my roles in both situations are different. On the one hand I am a daughter and on the other hand I am a wife. They are roles I am still figuring out how to shift between on a daily basis as each one can require more of my attention at certain times.

This weekend at the beach helped tie all of this together for me.  I have memories at the beach with Mom and our family when I was younger. I have memories of vacations spent at certain hotels, playing in the ocean with Sister K and eating at our favorite restaurants. It was unique to share that with Husband but also create our own new memories. It was a way to bridge my childhood as a daughter to my adulthood as a wife. It was also a way for me to enjoy both roles without the stress that can come with them. Being at the beach took me back to the basics of life. Whether you are looking out at the ocean or playing in the waves it can be a big cure for a lot of different stresses. No matter what phase of life you are at, the beach is the one place you are never too old to enjoy.

Do you have multiple roles in your family you have learned to balance/shift between? Do you have any special places you went as a child and visited as an adult with different family members? What is your idea of a recharge weekend? Anyone have any remedies for sunburns? I am hurting today and imagine I will be all week. I put on sunscren in the morning but learned the hard way you have to always reapply…