Best Friend Uniform

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I love the color purple. It is and always has been my favorite color. I remember when I got engaged one of my friend’s responded and said “time to order my purple party dress.” Yes, I had purple bridesmaid dresses. The specific color was plum. My wedding colors were plum and sage…also known as purple and green. Mom wouldn’t let me say purple and green and it reminded me of the famous scene from Steel Magnolias when Shelby says her colors are “blush and bashful” and M’Lynn responds by saying “her colors are pink and pink.”

Sister K’s favorite color actually is pink. And this has played a big role in our entire lives. Easter egg hunting- my eggs were always purple and Sister K’s were always pink. Picking out tops- Sister K would get pink and I would get purple. Birthday gift wrapping- Sister K’s was pink and mine was purple. You get the picture. And today Sister K and I have decided to embrace the silliness involved with each having a favorite color and try to wear similar outfits for certain occasions in these colors. We call it our best friend uniform. And the fact that bright colors have been so trendy has assisted us in this. Purple shorts/pink shorts, purple pants/pink pants, purple purses/pink purses. It is silly but it is fun for us.

It also brings a little bit of laughter to some otherwise tense situations. We may be struggling to get Mom in and our of the car but we are wearing our purple and pink shorts which lightens the mood or takes the attention off Mom. Our “best friend uniforms.” Outfits and colors Mom associated with each of us and continues to associate with us everyday. The best part of them is it is something Mom began when we were little kids and now we enjoy embracing it to bring back a sense of being Mom’s little girls once again. It’s a mother/daughter thing at its simplest.

Do you have a favorite color? Are you ever drawn to certain colors over others? Did your parents use your favorite colors throughout your childhood? Did you ever wear matching outfits with your siblings?

The Power of Personality

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I wish I could spend time observing and analyzing family personalities. I find it fascinating how much the personality of parents can impact their child. How siblings personalities can be so different yet so similar even though they have essentially been raised in the same manner. Then how much the personality of a person will impact who they attract in life. And the cycle continues.

I think I have become so interested in this because my family is a unique one. I have been asked by many people “what did your parents do to make all of you so close?” Or “what did your Mom do to make you so close to her?” When I get asked these questions I feel dumbfounded in a way. How did we get this way? Could it simply just be our personalities?

Especially since Mom got MS I feel at times like everything but the kitchen sink is being thrown at us. It is testing us individually and as a family on a regular basis. It can leave us questioning our actions and responses. Actions and responses that are deeply rooted in our personalities which are deeply rooted in Mom and Dad. I never realized how valuable and how much of a tool my personality would be in dealing with the big parts of life. And of the many traits of my personality, the part that’s the biggest tool against a disease that has potential to destroy my family- my loyalty. Loyalty to my family who I love. Loyalty to our relationship that I am incredibly protective of and will fight to preserve. Without that loyalty I think I might have given up several times, but I don’t. I grab hold of the people I love and together we continue to fight and figure out our new normal.

Do you think it’s interesting to think about people’s personalities? Within your family does your personality play a specific role? How do you think your personality impacts how you deal with challenges? What is your greatest trait to aid you through your tough moments?

Let Me Tell You Something About Me…

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My friend Jackie at Swerving for Butterflies who I have met in this blogging world “leap frogged me” meaning what I do not know exactly. I do know she gave me this list of questions to answer and it seems like fun to let you know a little more about me. Curious based on what you have read, if you would have predicted any of these responses…

1. What song do you never tire of hearing?
That would be “Dancing Queen” by Abba. Dad and I used it as our father/daughter dance at my wedding and it was one of the greatest moments of my life. People thought we had rehearsed a performance but we just did it on the fly.

2. What things give you the chills?
It seems everything does. I am cold natured and always carrying a cardigan around. Sister K and Husband on the other hand are naturally hot natured and freezing me with the a/c in the car.

3. What event in your life has shaped you the most as a person?
Going to college. I never realized who I was capable ot becoming socially or the caliber of friends I was capable of attaining until I went to college. Middle school and high school were tough. College in a way redefined me and redefined the confidence I had in myself. Of course it also provided a great education for myself, but the impact it had on me as a person is my big take away. (It is also where I met Husband so I guess it wasn’t too bad for that reason either.)

4. What worries you the most on a day to day basis?
Definitely Mom. I worry about her MS and the future. It has given my life a big unknown that I wrestle with on a daily basis.

5. Can you keep secrets? Why or why not?
Yes and no. But if it’s serious, always yes.

6. What do you wish you could change most about yourself? (personality)
I wish I could be more “go with the flow” like Sister K. I admire that a lot in her. My ability to be a planner and have some sort of control sometimes gets the best of me. I blame being the older sister on that quality.

7. What quality do you most admire about yourself?
My loyalty. I am insanely loyal to my friends and family. I think that is why when people “hurt me” I have difficulty getting over it or blowing it off. I would never act in certain ways like that to the people I love so I don’t understand why people do it to me.

8. When you were a child, what did you wish to be when you grew up?
First I wanted to be a pediatrician. Then I wanted to be a news reporter.

9.  Do you ever get road rage?
No I am very much a rule follower on the road. I follow speed limits and drive slow. This drives Husband crazy.

10.  If you could write a book knowing the whole world would read it, what kind would it be?
Thinking of writing one someday based on this blog. It is a secret dream of mine. We’ll see if it ever becomes a reality. Not sure how I would even go about doing it, where I would begin, who would read it, what I would write but it’s sitting there in the back of my mind waiting it’s turn.

11.  If you could filter the news you see and read, what would you want to exclude?
I am a big news fan so hard to think of eliminating it. I really do think it all has a place in our lives. But, I could really care less about sports. I don’t understand them nor do I really want to understand them. This pains Husband greatly since he loves his ESPN Sportscenter and fantasy football league. I guess yet again opposites attract.

Instead of tagging people of other blogs in this post I’d invite anyone who reads this to pick a question and answer it or answer all of them if you want. I’d love to read your responses and hope you have as much fun answering them as I did. Gives me a chance to get to know you better too. Thanks Jackie!

Done Being Polite

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Everyone has an opinion. I always knew this was true but am amazed at how this becomes even more of an issue when your Mom is diagnosed with MS. Everyone has an opinion about Mom’s MS- they have an opinion about to handle the disease, how we should act, how Mom should be treated, what we are doing right and what we are doing wrong.

I was told this weekend via someone else that a comment had been made referring to how we are handling Mom’s MS. Yes this would classify as gossip on their end and gossip on my end. I also don’t care. The comment: “Their Mom is just really not doing well and I don’t think any of them are taking it seriously.”

My initial reaction: Are you kidding me?

But as I write this, I have let it settle and I’ve given it some thought. There are a number of issues I have with this that I have been thinking about. First of all, why do people feel like they have a right to tell us how to handle our Mom? Is it because of our age? Yes Sister K and I are 25 and 28 but that doesn’t mean we are children. I personally think we have done a great job considering the circumstances we have been given and how all of this has happened. We have also been given a big choice in all of this. A choice I am not sure everyone would make the same way we are- We could choose to ignore this situation entirely and let it rip our family apart, or we could fight it. We fight it. But no one commeds us for that. They just look at whatever it is we aren’t doing.

Which brings me to another issue. What aren’t we doing and how exactly are we ignoring this? We have gotten Mom a physical therapist, she is improving little by little everyday, we are trying to keep her attitude as positive as possible but we cannot force her to do anything. I think people forget Mom is 60, not 85 with a disease like Alzheimer’s. She is still cognitively very aware of what is going on and we do not control her life. This is not a situation where you are dealing with an elderly grandparent. I am dealing with my middle aged Mom. The circumstances are completely different.

Mom and Dad are working through this together. We are all working through this together. We are doing our best. There is no manual yet everyone seems to think they have one. There is also no cure for MS. This isn’t going to magically disappear. While I am incredibly frustrated by this one comment it is really just representative of other comments that people mention to us wherever we go. I don’t understand what gives people the right to tell us what we should be doing that we aren’t already doing and why they seem to know all the answers when they haven’t even dealt with a situation like this. For the millionth time and I mean this as kindly as possible- your Mom having Alzheimer’s is in no way the same as my Mom having MS. Your 85 year old Mom is not the same as my 60 year old Mom.

I need to be more assertive when these comments are made to me. I have made a promise to myself that from now on as comments like this are made to me I am not going to just politely listen and pretend to appreciate their concern. I am going to respond in a manner explaining we are doing the best we can. I am going to respond in a manner that is not rude but also not nice. Implying I don’t want anymore advice that I never asked for in the first place.

Why do you think people offer opinions when you didn’t even ask for them? Do you think this is a lack of social skills or something greater? How would you respond? Would you be bothered by this or do you think I need to blow these comments off? Have people ever done this to you regarding issues in your own life?

Unknown Risks

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Just as I think our list of lifestyle changes with Mom’s MS is set for awhile we get a new one we didn’t expect. When I called Mom today she sounded a little flustered but didn’t want to tell me why at first. When she finally did she said, well I had put some meat on the stove to warm up and left the room to do something real quick; but, while I was in the other room I thought to myself that really isn’t a good idea because I can’t get back there quickly if needed. Nothing bad happened and there was no panic situation- Mom’s food may have been a little browner than usual but that’s okay.

But this just reminded me Mom is still adapting to her own limitations because of MS. We are all still adapting. Simple things I used to take for granted like warming up a meal are complex and come with real risks that need to be thought through. I was thinking how do we approach the risks that come with different tasks, how do we prepare for them and know what to expect? In some ways you can’t know or don’t know until after something happens. But taking some time to stop and think to the worst possible outcome of an activity can help determine what the risks are- that is just scary sometimes to think about. I can’t live life in fear but also can’t live life pretending certain risks don’t exist. Something as simple as cooking meat now comes with a risk.

It’s hard in these conversations because while it is good for Mom to process all of this it is also tough to hear the slight defeat in her voice of “things aren’t how they used to be.” I was silently very thankful this topic had come up at all in her mind. The thought of Mom cooking or what could happen if she left the room and wasn’t able to make it back had never occurred to me. It scared me a bit to think about and then scared me that these risks had never occurred to me. I have been thinking of other situations that we may be missing- while they may seem obvious to others they are not obvious to us. It just goes to show we are all still adapting as a family and still adjusting to our new lifestyle with Mom’s MS in the same way she is still adjusting herself.

Have you ever been startled when you realize something could happen that you didn’t expect? How do you deal the unknown of risks in everyday life? What does everyone have planned for the weekend? As always I am very happy it is Friday! Have a great weekend!

100% Thankful

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Yesterday marked 100 Posts. This one is officially 101. This is pretty exciting. I have come here 100 times to share my thoughts and you have come here to read my words.

This blog started as a little idea that was just sitting in the back of my mind. I kept trying to tuck it away but it kept resurfacing in weird ways. I had a long conversation with Husband about it and he thought I should try it out. Sister K was in full support and thought it may help me process everything going on with Mom.

What I didn’t expect is all of you. The people who come here everyday and read. The people who come here occasionally and read. The people who have only come once to read. Knowing people are reading my words at all means so much and I am so thankful. I hope you know that your presence is not lost on me.

What I also didn’t expect was for Mom to have her first relapse mere weeks after I first started this blog. How comforting it would feel to be sitting in a hospital room recliner by myself while Mom slept knowing that I had this virtual support team out there of people I had never met. I learned the power of support over that week and the weeks that followed. 

So today’s post is for you. To say thank you to you. Thank you for stopping by and for supporting me along the way. Thanks for hanging out with me for my MSrecess everyday.

My Secret Challenge

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I am 28. This is not a newsflash around here. But the newsflash is I am 28 and still want my Mom’s attention and approval. I know it sounds selfish and whiny, I know it is selfish and whiny- I want to be able to call her and have her available to talk to me; I want Mom to respond to any issues by being on my side; I want my relationship with her to remain the same. No changes.

But there has been a change. But this part of MS doesn’t bring challenges as obvious as the other changes. It’s more of a secret challenge Sister K and I get to face. It’s the the challenge of communication- especially when the primary tool we use to communicate is the phone. This challenge peers its head when I call Mom wanting to talk to her but she is dizzy and laying down because of her spasm medicine. Or she is having difficulty focusing and following what I am saying. Or she can’t help me through my problem or issue by responding the way I want.

This happened last night. I was walking to my car to drive home from work. I wanted to chat with Mom. And we did briefly but then she had to go because she wasn’t feeling well and laying down. I felt kind of defeated. Frustrated. I know this is selfish. Very selfish. But it doesn’t make the feelings go away. It’s hard that Sister K and I comment to each other when we have a really good conversation with Mom now- When she is listening and paying attention and responding and we are interacting. This used to be the norm. It isn’t anymore and it’s difficult.

But this is the side of MS not everyone sees. It’s a side that not everyone notices. Don’t get me wrong, that is good. I personally don’t want everyone to have one more thing they decide to ask me about concerning Mom. But at the same time dealing with it makes me feel alone. It also makes me feel guilty for even being frustrated with the situation given what other circumstances could exist. I know avoiding this frustration goes directly back to taking life one day at a time. The frustration of having a good conversation one day but a bad one the next. It’s tough. It’s hard to deal with because there is already little predictability with MS and I feel like all I am trying to do is grab on to something constant and predictable. Instead I am finding myself adding one more item to the list of “things I cannot control” regarding my life now with Mom’s MS. And even moreso I never would have predicted “talking to Mom on the phone” would be on this list to begin with.

Do you face any communication challenges with people in your life? How do you cope with conversations not meeting your expectations? Do you think this ties into taking life one day at a time or just acceptance of change? Do you still seek your parent’s communication and approval?

Do You Dream?

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I am feeling kind of nostalgic today and not sure why. Thinking about black and white pictures of famous faces; old television shows from my childhood; my favorite movies- the fact that I have been playing around on Pinterest may have something to do with this. Have you experienced Pinterest? It’s kind of fun and can quickly become addicting. Everytime I am on it, I feel like it is a mind break. A dreaming adventure. What my dream house would look like; what a party would like that I would throw; pictures of fantastic desserts I could bake; the list goes on.

It’s an interesting mind exercise for me though because lately I am finding myself having trouble dreaming. Dreaming of the future. Dreaming of fun times. It is all just difficult for me. I am trying to take life one day at a time. How does that work when you are dreaming of the future? It also scares me to dream of the future. I get nervous to think about Mom in the future. To dream of a future party, but how would Mom attend? To dream of a future house, but how will Mom get around it? The list goes on. Pinterest packages these dreams into nice square pictures. Happy pictures. Pictures that make me smile but also bring up a list of concerns in my head.

I am trying to be hopeful. I actually feel like I am doing a pretty good job the past week. I judge my progress in this area in weeks. But the idea of dreaming about the future is still tough. Tough because it conflicts with taking things one day at a time which is what everyone tells you to do. I don’t know how to balance it, but I do know I should find a way. It is fun to dream. It is exciting to dream. It is uplifting to dream. All feelings that I need to have and need to feel.

Do you like to dream? Do you think there is a conflict between taking life one day at a time and dreaming of the future? What are your favorite things to dream about- travel, houses, parties, etc? Have you discovered Pinterest yet?

Olympic Sized Support

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Can you believe the Olympics is over? I am kind of sad, thinking I am going to have some sort of Olympic withdrawal when I go home this evening and don’t have anything to watch. No more coming into work everyday asking co-workers if they saw particular events the night before, no more sitting on the couch every night cheering on the USA, no more obsessing over my favorite Olympians and following them on Twitter. It has all come to an end. In a way it is time to return to real life.

I, for one, really got into the Olympics this year, more so than I have in other years. There was something incredibly thrilling about watching the races, hearing the stories of the athletes and celebrating the victories alongside everyone I know since we were all cheering for the same team. The camaraderie. The support of a country behind you. It must be quite a rush for the Olympians.

It makes me think of myself and dealing with my own issues in my life. How important that camaraderie and support can be- whether you are on the large scale of an Olympic athlete or the small scale of a 28 year old trying to navigate the twists and turns of life. It can all come down to your performance in a particular moment. I sometimes feel the pressure of that performance in stressful moments with my family. You wait for your opportunity to say something and then you pray that when it comes you say the right thing. You pray that you are able to perform. You are also thankful for the support behind you in these instances. Even though that support team may not be present, you know they are out there. No one realizes how invaluable having a team of people rallying behind you can be until you face those big life moments- some are exciting, some are challenging, some are positive, some are negative- but the one thread they have in common is the importance of a support team in each of those instances.

How do you support your friends and family? Do you see the value of camaraderie in times of struggle as well as in times of thriving? How do you handle situations where you aren’t receiving the support you may need? Are you sad the Olympics is over? Did you enjoy cheering on Team USA every night? Did anyone else enjoy the Spice Girls performance at the Closing Ceremonies as much as I did?

Back to School

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I always feel strange in August being a grown adult and watching everyone else head back to school. I know kids I used to babysit going back to school, I know friends who are teachers going back to school, but my life remains mostly unphased by all of this in August. No big changes, no big milestones, the only real impact “back to school” has on me is “back to traffic and school zones.”

But seeing as how this summer has felt very strange with everything that happened with Mom beginning in May, I feel like in a way my family is heading back to school with her recovery. She began working with her physical therapist yesterday and when I talked to her on the phone today she sounded upbeat and happy. It made me feel good. It made me feel hopeful again. It also made me feel like maybe in a way my family was coming out from our own summer break. Our summer break though wasn’t full of lazy days, pool time and vacations but began with Mom’s relapse in May and was full of overnight hospital visits, stressful moments, big decisions, and a tough recovery road.

We survived it though. We are also continuing to survive. And this August as everyone heads back to school I am reminded of how life was in May as everyone was getting out of school for the summer. As I watched people update their facebook status to reflect summer vacation, Sister K and I were taking turns staying in a hospital room with Mom. I didn’t know how it would all turn out. I couldn’t imagine August even coming because I couldn’t fully comprehend what was even going on in that moment in May. But today I can see how far we have come. We still have a ways to go but that’s just more motivation as my family begins its own MS school year this August.

Do you have anyone in your life heading back to school this year, either as a student or teacher? Do you ever think of August as marking the beginning of a new year similar to January? Was your summer full of regular summer fun or any unexpected life events like mine? Has anyone else been enjoying the light traffic and no school zones this summer?