Tag Archives: mind

A Scatterbrained Friday

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I forgot to put on eyeliner this morning. I am not sure how exactly one does that, but I did.

I am also planning to leave straight after work to head home to visit Mom and Dad- and when I got to work I realized I had forgotten my make-up bag for the weekend.

Why do both of these instances involve make-up? I don’t know. I could dig and try to find some philosophical reason or I could just explain that I think I am on the brink of losing my mind.

So with that said, I don’t have too much else to say today. I feel a little scatterbrained so I felt like writing a scatterbrained post to reflect this. I also feel a bit like I am two people right now- on the outside I am the person who appears to have it all together, upbeat, life is going great…inside I am the opposite of every part of that. I told Mom that on the phone today. She said it will be good to come home and just “be” at home. She is probably right. Mom’s do have some magical way of making things better. I don’t know how, maybe they learn it in “Mom School” where I also believe every Mom becomes an expert in the official “Mom look” (you know, the look your Mom gives you that means you are in trouble but you are in public so she can’t address it right now). Hopefully a weekend at home helps knock some things back into perspective or at least just gives me a little break.

I apologize for this post that is clearly all over the place. I was racking my brain for something to write about but thought I’d just see what came out. Do you ever experience days where you feel all over the place and out of sorts? Do you think forgetfulness can be related to stress? Do you believe in my theory of “Mom School”? Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Confused by Encouragement

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I’ve always been encouraged and pushed to succeed. Not in an unhealthy way but in a normal, “you can do this” sort of way. I also have always responded to it. It had the desired effect on me. I push and continue to push myself to succeed. If I am afraid to do something I figure that means I really need to do it- as much as I don’t want to, I will force myself.

What is strange though is I am not sure where I got this from, this trait. Mom is one of the biggest people who has always pushed and encouraged me. She pushed me onto a plane to study abroad, she left my 18 year old crying self at my dorm room freshmen year of college, she moved me to another state for graduate school- she did all of these things because she knew I’d be okay and knew I needed to do them.

But the strange part is the same does not exist in the reverse where Mom is concerned. Mom does not operate this way. If we try to push her to do more where her MS is concerned, she gets frustrated. Most of the time it doesn’t end well. She doesn’t fight for things the same way she taught me to fight. But in the same way I am simply trying to instill in her the same ideals she has instilled in me. It leaves me confused. I don’t exactly understand how that works. I know she wants the best for me the same way I want the best for her- but when the role of mother and daughter switches into reverse and I become “the encourager” and she becomes “the encouragee”that gets lost in translation. Yet I know that in life the person who has always encouraged me and pushed me more than anyone is Mom- at the same time I know this baffles most people because this is the same Mom who struggles to push herself.

I don’t really know where I am headed with this but it’s an observation I’ve made and one I want to file away…I do believe all these observations will intertwine themselves into a life lesson that is forming. I am just not sure what it is yet.

Did your parents push or encourage you to try things you were scared of when you were younger? Have you experienced moments of trying to push or encourage your own parents but not getting the desired effects? Do you think paying attention to comparisons in our life can lead to many life lessons if we pay close enough attention?

Weathering The Storm

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Fall. It is one of my favorite seasons. Right now it is a strange transition between warm and cool temperatures- a transition I am struggling with in my wardrobe as well. Dress for the morning when its 50 or dress for the afternoon when its 80. But I am not complaining- the weather is beautiful.

It makes me wonder how much weather can impact our mood. Mom does not do well with the heat of the summer. But the cooler weather brings with it a change in her spirit. Sister K picked me up at work and took me to lunch today. I had been inside of an office building all day but the time I spent outside really rejuvenated me. I felt like I had a renewed outlook on my day. This is also in large part thanks to time spent with Sister K.

I have been thinking a lot about the phrase “weathering the storm.” Our life is similar to the weather in that we have our own seasons and our own changes. Some are dark and gloomy and some are bright and beautiful. But like the weather that is always changing, our circumstances are always changing too. As much as we try to see the storm coming, we aren’t always accurate in our predictions. Sometimes it slams us and sometimes it misses us altogether. The thing to remember though is eventually it will pass. Eventually we will “weather the storm”- the storms of the skies and the storms of our lives.

Do you feel like your mood changes depending on the weather? Have you “weathered any storms” recently in your own life? Do you believe dark and gloomy is necessary because it makes us appreciate bright and beautiful that much more? How is the weather today where you live?

Recharging My Batteries

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Yesterday I was sitting at the gate waiting to board my plane to head back from a weekend spent visiting my college roommate. Sister K called because she was driving back from a wedding she attended this weekend. We were on the phone and she wanted to three-way call Mom. I knew if this was happening the conversation was about to become very ridiculous very fast, so I left my seat to avoid people overhearing/staring strangely at me.

Mom got on the phone and we were all so excited we just started talking over each other. I don’t know why. It’s not like we never talk to each other and this is some rare occurrence. But the fact that all of us are on the phone at the same time is somehow an adrenaline rush of excitement and happiness. We talked about the weekend. Sister K and I competed for Mom’s attention. Mom was laughing at our stories and trying to get us to calm down so she could hear them. It felt like a different variation of my childhood.

It was also like taking a major shot of happiness. After I got off the phone I thought how fortunate I am to have these two women in my life. Our moments aren’t perfect. Mom’s health isn’t perfect. Our life is far from perfect. Even this chaotic phone conversation wasn’t perfect. I don’t think we really got anything of substance accomplished and halfway through Mom and I had to listen to Sister K complete her drive through order.

But in a sense I was living in the moment. Something I am working hard to do. I wasn’t concerned with Mom’s health, I didn’t ask her any questions about how she was feeling, I just laughed and talked. We all laughed and talked. Created another funny memory. It’s all these funny memories and moments that gets Sister K and I through the tough ones. I consider it our battery recharge and even though it may seem dumb, the sillier the moment the more important it is to charging us up.

Do you believe you need some sort of fuel to get you through tough times? How do you strengthen yourself to prepare as much as you can for a future you can’t predict? Ever had a funny airport conversation and been stared at by other passengers?

Scary Feelings

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Mom’s mind is getting a little fuzzy. I’ve mentioned this before but I think I’m going to mention it again. This also probably won’t be the last time I mention it. I think it is becoming a regular symptom of Mom’s MS and a symptom that may be the most difficult of all for me to deal with. Is it strange that I have an easier time with her inability to walk or other issues, but start messing with her mind and I am struggling with how to handle it?

I was on the phone today having a conversation with Mom about this past weekend. She couldn’t keep the details of what happened straight. I listened half-heartedly, filling in the blanks and not making a big deal out of it. But secretly inside it was a big deal to me. Minor details of stopping at McDonald’s, who was there, driving back from the game, things that are pointless but easy to remember. The same thing happened at the football game this weekend. She asked me several questions several times or made the same comment several times. I snapped at her. Sister K looked at me and said my name implying I needed to chill out. I just looked away. I felt bad. I lost my cool once again. It’s hard because I truly don’t know how to deal with this. The closest comparison is my Grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but that is also not the same as this. This is a weird symptom of MS. It’s also a weird symptom that comes and goes. More so when Mom is tired. Sister K tried talking to her on the phone Saturday night and then got on the phone with me saying, “What is wrong with Mom? Is she tired? She’s tired.” And we agreed she was tired.

I don’t know if I am supposed to answer Mom’s questions multiple times. Retell the same stories multiple times. Go through the motions of reptition but not think about the real meaning of it. That is the hard part. The only comparison to dealing with this is how I dealt with my Grandmother- and I did answer her questions multiple times and listen to her stories multiple times. But doing that with Mom in some ways frightens me. It frightens me because it means we are back there again even though it’s in a different way, except this time it is Mom.

This seems to be a tricky symptom for me to wrap my head around. It’s easier when I’m completely rested and in a good mood. This isn’t easy when I’m tired and life has got me down. It also isn’t easy because I don’t know what I am supposed to do. The topic of this makes me scared inside. It is one of the symptoms I don’t share with anyone. I don’t think anyone except Dad, Sister K and Husband know it is out there. Sister K and I discuss it with each other but we keep it light-hearted. We try to sorta laugh it off when things happen so we don’t get upset- “Mom’s being crazy again” is what we say. That’s how we deal. Maybe there is nothing to do. Maybe I just need to embrace the repetition and come to terms with the scary feelings inside. Push them away when they bubble up. Realize I can’t react based on the scary feelings. The struggle is deep down I know it’s serious. No one gives you a manual for telling you how to deal with the scary feelings.

Have you ever been secretly scared of something? Have you ever reacted to a situation on impulse based on your negative scared feelings? How do you block out negative thoughts? How would you deal with something like this?

Seeking Approval.

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“Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned.”

This pretty much describes Mom and her role of defending Sister K and me in life. My happy go lucky, unassuming mother remained that way, until you messed with her child. Then she became a lion.

7th Grade was a tough year for me. I switched schools in middle school and had to deal with making new friends at a new school at a time when no one wanted to be my friend. I am not going to relive the experience here but will say it was awful. 17 years later it’s still difficult for me to think about. At the same time it showed me a different side of Mom. I had never seen her so upset and defensive of something I was going through. I learned very quickly you do not mess with Mom’s daughters.

Recently I have had an issue with a friend. The issue actually began during my wedding planning 2 years ago and I feel like it’s finally coming to closure. What is coming to closure is the fact that we are not friends anymore and will not be friends in the future. I won’t get into it but what I will say is it’s hard. The neutral notes: Something sad happened. I acted how I thought was best and would do it again based on the situation and based on everything I was managing at the time- wedding planning, dealing with a Mom newly diagnosed with MS slowly declining, and a Grandmother dying of Alzheimer’s. She didn’t realize the stress I was under. In her eyes, my response wasn’t enough for her. It’s almost a he said/she said situation now. Bottom line though is if it’s really a friendship it’s worth fighting for, forgiving and moving on, realizing we both probably made mistakes- I don’t think she sees it that way. That’s fine. I am working towards moving on realizing it is all I can do.

The point though is through talking with a mutual friend I realized the full extent of all of this on Friday night. I was upset and kind of defeated. As I updated Mom on the phone about it she rose her voice and defended me. Defended me to thin air. No one could hear except Dad who was in the kitchen, but she defended me. I don’t know why but it was nice. Knowing that in her eyes what I did wasn’t as bad as it was being made out to be made me feel less upset. I had her approval.

I know it may seem strange that at 28 I still want Mom’s approval, but I do. It’s also interesting to me because sometimes it is tough approval to get. Sometimes it is hard to talk to Mom. Sometimes I think she isn’t connecting what is happening or what I want her response to be the way she used to. This continues to be hard. I am having to in a sense move on from my quest for approval. Find a way to know I am not always going to have her approval. First of all I am an adult and our relationship is evolving as a result of this. But then mix in MS and how my role as Mom’s daughter is also changing and that makes this difficult too. It’s something I am wrestling with. Wanting approval- not getting the response I want- dealing with it.

Do you ever want approval from the people in your life? If you have children have you ever watched yourself turn into a lion to protect your cubs? Any tough moments realizing friendships are over? My hearts go out to the USA on the anniversary of 9-11 and all those who lost their lives.  

A Family of Tortoises

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We move slow. Like really really slow. If you compared us to The Tortoise and The Hare, we are a family of tortoises. This requires patience. It requires me to shut my mind down and not be in a hurry. It requires some practice too because slowing down doesn’t just come naturally.

Saturday after our football game, Sister K and Husband headed back immediately. Husband had to study and Sister K had evening plans. I stayed behind with Mom, Dad and Grandpa because I didn’t have anything going on that evening. There are two ways for Mom and Dad to get home and one of them would pass through our city so they could drop me off en route home. This way I could drive the majority of the way back and give Dad a break.

As the four of us walked into a restaurant to meet up with my Godfather and his wife after the game, I noticed how slow we were moving. As I helped Mom to the restroom and back to our table, we moved slow. Then en route on the way back we made a restroom stop at McDonalds and this ended up being about a 30 minute break for us.

I did a good job of not getting frustrated. I think I mentally was just thinking, this is what it is. This is what it is. Getting frustrated is not going to make Mom move faster. Mom is moving as fast as she can. She was worn out by the time she had walked inside McDonald’s with her walker and back out to the car. I saw it in her face how much effort was involved for something that many people take for granted. But even though she is moving slow, in the world of MS the important piece is she is moving. And for that I am thankful.

But it’s still hard. It’s hard because you have to desensitize yourself to your surroundings. Stop watching the people who are able to get in and out of McDonald’s in 5 minutes. Stop thinking of the clock ticking by into the late night while you are tired and patiently walking slow with Mom. Making sure your face stays pleasant during all of this patient waiting. Continuing to small talk with Mom so she doesn’t feel awkward as she moves so slow. It is effort for everyone. For Mom and for all of us. In a way. it is more effort to move slow than to move fast.

But, no matter how slow we are moving, we are moving. Sometimes it allows you to really pause and absorb the moment. Sometimes you are fighting everything within you not to just throw your hands up in frustration. You have to control your mind and mentally let the thoughts that come along with regular day to day life disappear. The impulses you have to hurry up and move fast, you have to let them go. And I was proud of myself because Saturday evening I was able to let my inner controller/planner go and just exist. Knowing eventually we would leave McDonald’s. No matter how long it took eventually we’d be outside. But most importantly was that Mom was doing this on her own.

Do you consider yourself a tortoise or a hare? Do you struggle with moving slower when you are used to moving faster? Do you ever allow your mind to mentally zone out of a situation to better deal it?

What’s Your Mantra?

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I think life mantras are interesting. Words to live by. Sayings you tell yourself when you don’t know what else to say. They typically appear during the tough times but can also appear during the good times too. In moments where I am overwhelmed or left alone with my thoughts they tend to surface.

I was talking to Mom today about different frustrations Husband and I are dealing with and she responded by saying, just remember “good things come to those who wait.” It was a nice response but what I appreciated more was connecting with Mom over this moment and this mantra. This mantra is one that makes me think of Mom. One that she has applied to her own life and one I have seen played out in my own life up until this point as well. It was also special because I have recently been struggling to sometimes connect with Mom on the phone for various reasons, most of which I think stem from MS. Sometimes our conversations leave me feeling frustrated by my own expectations. Today though it was nice to get some old fashioned advice from Mom.

The conversation got me thinking about life mantras and my own personal ones. The phrases I repeat to myself or others if they were in need of a short tidbit of advice.

One of my favorites:
“Just breathe” -I stole this from the movie Ever After

One Husband and I learned from our sponsor couple during marriage counseling:
“Nothing is ever as bad as it seems and nothing is ever as good as it seems.”

One I started using to find humor in an annoying situation…it is now also one Mom likes to throw around now when describing her MS symptoms:
“Are you kidding me??”

One that is tough and can cause you to reflect forwards and backwards:
“Everything happens for a reason.”

I know these are all over the place but they are the first ones that come to mind. I am curious if you have any life mantras you live by? Where did they come from? How do you use them?

The Magic of the Beach

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A recharge weekend. A brief but important escape. A sunburn souvenir. These are all the perfect ways to describe this past weekend. Husband and I headed to the beach for a quick mini-vacation before he begins the 2nd year of his MBA program tomorrow. I didn’t realize how much we needed the mini-vacation until yesterday as we were heading back.

This summer has been one focused on Mom. Husband was also out of town for an internship for most of it too. I know it may sound bad to say but this helped me to balance being a daughter during that tough time with being a wife. But, as Husband and I near our 2 year anniversary in a few weeks I don’t feel any more knowledgeable on that subject than I did when we first got married. That balance is something I am still trying to figure out. Even under completely uneventful circumstances I don’t believe it is something that would happen magically overnight. 

Mom’s MS brings a level of stress to my own life. Husband’s rigorous MBA program has also done the same. Both are out of my control but directly impact my life. Just as I felt Mom’s MS may be settling down, Husband’s job interviews are creeping up indicating a stressful time for us. It’s kind of like a seesaw and I just go back and forth between the two for the time being. It is also difficult balancing that because my roles in both situations are different. On the one hand I am a daughter and on the other hand I am a wife. They are roles I am still figuring out how to shift between on a daily basis as each one can require more of my attention at certain times.

This weekend at the beach helped tie all of this together for me.  I have memories at the beach with Mom and our family when I was younger. I have memories of vacations spent at certain hotels, playing in the ocean with Sister K and eating at our favorite restaurants. It was unique to share that with Husband but also create our own new memories. It was a way to bridge my childhood as a daughter to my adulthood as a wife. It was also a way for me to enjoy both roles without the stress that can come with them. Being at the beach took me back to the basics of life. Whether you are looking out at the ocean or playing in the waves it can be a big cure for a lot of different stresses. No matter what phase of life you are at, the beach is the one place you are never too old to enjoy.

Do you have multiple roles in your family you have learned to balance/shift between? Do you have any special places you went as a child and visited as an adult with different family members? What is your idea of a recharge weekend? Anyone have any remedies for sunburns? I am hurting today and imagine I will be all week. I put on sunscren in the morning but learned the hard way you have to always reapply…

The Power of Personality

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I wish I could spend time observing and analyzing family personalities. I find it fascinating how much the personality of parents can impact their child. How siblings personalities can be so different yet so similar even though they have essentially been raised in the same manner. Then how much the personality of a person will impact who they attract in life. And the cycle continues.

I think I have become so interested in this because my family is a unique one. I have been asked by many people “what did your parents do to make all of you so close?” Or “what did your Mom do to make you so close to her?” When I get asked these questions I feel dumbfounded in a way. How did we get this way? Could it simply just be our personalities?

Especially since Mom got MS I feel at times like everything but the kitchen sink is being thrown at us. It is testing us individually and as a family on a regular basis. It can leave us questioning our actions and responses. Actions and responses that are deeply rooted in our personalities which are deeply rooted in Mom and Dad. I never realized how valuable and how much of a tool my personality would be in dealing with the big parts of life. And of the many traits of my personality, the part that’s the biggest tool against a disease that has potential to destroy my family- my loyalty. Loyalty to my family who I love. Loyalty to our relationship that I am incredibly protective of and will fight to preserve. Without that loyalty I think I might have given up several times, but I don’t. I grab hold of the people I love and together we continue to fight and figure out our new normal.

Do you think it’s interesting to think about people’s personalities? Within your family does your personality play a specific role? How do you think your personality impacts how you deal with challenges? What is your greatest trait to aid you through your tough moments?