Monday Night Escape

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I love this week every Fall. It is season premiere week and for someone like me who has several favorite tv shows and characters I have missed all summer, it is a big deal.

This time around though, Mom, Sister K and I have been emailing to pick a show to watch together. A show we could chat about and bond over as the tv season unfolds. We have selected Dancing With The Stars: All Stars which premieres tonight. I used to be a loyal viewer of the show, then stopped watching for awhile but this season some of my favorite dancers are back, so I will be too.

This may seem kind of silly or dumb. But I actually think it’s very important. With Mom’s MS and the restraints it has placed on her daily life, sometimes it is hard to find things to just escape and talk about; things that are not important at all but we can pretend are incredibly important; topics to bond over; new people to discuss. That’s the escape Dancing With The Stars provides us. It is similar to the escape the Bachelor/Bachelorette also provides.

The escape is important. The change in conversation is important. I believe it helps our relationship and provides us with good memories. It’s that relationship and the little inside jokes and comments we remember from these experiences that help us in the tough moments.

Does your family every bond over tv shows? Do you think it’s important to have a little escape into whatever show you may like such as the world of competitive celebrity ballroom dancing? Will you be watching Dancing With The Stars tonight?

Unexpected “Emotional Dump”

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Do you ever have moments where someone contacts you out of the blue- a text, an email a phone call…and before you know it you are thinking I didn’t know how badly I needed to talk to someone. You don’t realize how badly you are in need of an “emotional dump” and an encouraging word until after it’s over.

This happened yesterday to me. One of my best friends who was my roommate before Husband and I got married texted me out of the blue to say “Tomorrow is Friday!” It was a random text. And all of a sudden before I knew it words were pouring out of me over texts, I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and I just let everything I was thinking out. Then I caught myself thinking I bet she thinks I am crazy or is wishing she had never texted me in the first place. But she responded and she kept responding. She was encouraging, she was saying all the right things, she was giving me a text message pep talk with exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I later said it was so strange she just happened to message because I was en route to a happy hour and was in my post work exhausted state of mind…but the timing was perfect. She said, “I don’t know why I just felt like I needed to message you; I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just said something silly.”

I need to remember these moments. I think they happen to me more than I realize. They happen when I am worried about Mom, overwhelmed by life, stressed by my own life…they just happen. The thing is they don’t come in the form of a giant lightning bolt of wisdom, instead they come in very simple forms like a blog post comment or a silly text message from a friend. It’s a reminder of the power of friends. It’s also a reminder of the power of this blog. All of your comments and notes are not lost on me and I do believe each of you holds a purpose in my life bigger than you realize in why you come here and comment. I hope today I can be the cheerleader in a tough moment for you and all of my friends the way so many people are for me. Cheers to helping each other make it through the messy parts of life!

Have you ever had a moment where someone contacts you out of the blue but in hindsight you realize how much you needed to talk to someone? Do you like the phrase “emotional dump?” I just invented it yesterday. What are your plans for the weekend? Sister K and I are heading to another college football game tomorrow. Have a great weekend!

Changing of Seasons

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Saturday marks the beginning of fall. To me fall is a magical time because there is so much anticipation in the air. There are lots of holidays to look forward to- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. There are days off from work, parties to attend, presents to buy, and visits with people you haven’t seen in awhile.

With each holiday season though there are new challenges for us as a family and so far no two years have been alike. Halloween specifically has undergone its own transformation over the past couple of years. The candy distribution has seen a complete overhaul in many ways. Mom and Dad have gone from sitting on the porch together passing out candy all evening to Mom passing it out as the doorbell rings, to Mom leaving candy on the door step because it is too difficult to get up and down. This is sad because while to some that may seem like a hassle it is something Mom loved to do. Seeing the kids, their costumes and the interaction.

In addition to the anticipation and excitement the fall season also brings with it a touch of nostalgia and sadness for me as I think about year’s past. Think about how one compares to the next. I think this is also just the nature of life- MS or no MS. No two years are the same and no two years will bring with them the same dynamics. It’s important to remember that for once this is not something unique to Mom’s MS. Life changes for everyone year to year.

Do you ever feel nostalgia comparing holiday experiences from the past to the present? Do you enjoy the fall season? What is your favorite holiday? Do you dress up for Halloween?

Hang In There

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This is a blog about Mom and it’s also a blog about me. It’s about dealing with Mom’s MS but it’s about me dealing with Mom’s MS. Because of this you have to know a little about me. I have to share what’s going on in my life so you know where my head is at when things happen. Obviously when life is skipping by blissfully I am more equipped to handle Mom’s MS symptoms. When life is giving me nonstop lemons I have a shorter fuse for how I deal Mom’s MS.

Right now is tough because Husband is looking for jobs. He is a grad student getting his MBA and looking for jobs. It is competitive. He works so hard and it doesn’t seem to matter. It is just a tough job environment right now and he has been dealt a lot of rejections. The point though is I am down. It’s a lot to be dealing with for both of us. Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary and we had a wonderful dinner celebrating. Then I woke up this morning and felt like my 24 hour break from reality was over.

What’s interesting though is how much the importance of Mom’s MS has shifted in my mind as I deal with all of this. I call her, I tell her what’s going on and I don’t ask one thing about how she is feeling. But at the same time the MS is still very much there based on the comments she makes that are now very normal within conversation. Comments such as: “hold on a second, walking to the table and can’t walk and talk with the walker;” “trying to reach for an ingredient to make a brisket but Sister K rearranged everything in the pantry and now the items I need are high up and I can’t reach them;” “hold on had to let the dogs in and try not to fall geting the door open and bribing with treats.” All of these are little comments that have undertones of Mom’s MS sprinkled throughout. They are comments that in the past may have made me sad as I interpreted them to all signal a digression in Mom because of MS.

I think the point to all of this is there was a time when I thought I’d never be able to absorb all of this into my life and let everything intertwine naturally. But now I believe it has in many ways. Normal conversation with these sorts of comments mixed in doesn’t bother me, it’s just natural. Mom having a walker, that’s normal now too. It’s a new normal.

At the end of the conversation Mom said “hang in there, I love you” before she hung up. It meant a lot. Not sure why. In may ways it made me think of how I am dealing with Mom’s MS- I am hanging in there and I am handling it all better. So in thinking about this I am giving myself a pep talk too- hang in there with life and eventually things will turn around too.

How do you get through moments when it seems like you just can’t win in life? What are your magic words of support to give to others- is “hang in there” ever used? It’s a beautiful day where I am sitting or I should say sitting looking outside…how is your weather transitioning into fall?

Two Years Ago

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Today is our day. Husband and mine. It is our 2 year wedding anniversary. I am actually amazed at everything we have gone through together in the past 2 years. We are fondly telling everyone we survived the “terrible twos.” The past year has been a crazy year for us.

But with any wedding anniversary comes thoughts of the wedding day. One theme I am filled with everytime I think about it, look at pictures or watch our wedding video is love. The love of my husband, the love of my family, the love of our friends- it is a big day filled with love.

It also makes me think about the many layers to my family that day. We were still dealing with Mom’s diagnosis and managing the changes that went along with it. The wedding weekend festivities were a lot for Mom. They borderline wore her out by Sunday between the anticipation, nonstop activitiy- bridesmaid luncheon, rehearsal dinner and wedding day.  None of us really knew what to expect going into it. At the same time though as the bride you are busy with a lot of other things both physically, mentally and emotionally. It wasn’t really the circumstances I ever expected to exist at my wedding but at the same time the tight family unit that we are got us through them as seamless as possible. We all spent the day stepping in and out to assist Mom, to assist Me, to assist each other when necessary. Sister K especially, she had a hand in everything that day. Few people knew the true puzzle and many moving parts of this wonderful day.

We put on a smile and we put on a show. We put on a great wedding. We laughed, we acted silly, we cried, we danced- in a way we took off the mask that had been hiding Mom’s MS and we just said this is us. Life isn’t perfect but our life is full of love. Reflecting on that day reminds me that everyday is another version of this when we are with Mom. Showing the world who we are with Mom’s MS and relying on the love we have for each other to get us through these big moments.

Did anything unexpected happen on your wedding day? What is your favorite part of a wedding? How would you handle something like MS when there is a lot of focus on your family at a big event?

Recharging My Batteries

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Yesterday I was sitting at the gate waiting to board my plane to head back from a weekend spent visiting my college roommate. Sister K called because she was driving back from a wedding she attended this weekend. We were on the phone and she wanted to three-way call Mom. I knew if this was happening the conversation was about to become very ridiculous very fast, so I left my seat to avoid people overhearing/staring strangely at me.

Mom got on the phone and we were all so excited we just started talking over each other. I don’t know why. It’s not like we never talk to each other and this is some rare occurrence. But the fact that all of us are on the phone at the same time is somehow an adrenaline rush of excitement and happiness. We talked about the weekend. Sister K and I competed for Mom’s attention. Mom was laughing at our stories and trying to get us to calm down so she could hear them. It felt like a different variation of my childhood.

It was also like taking a major shot of happiness. After I got off the phone I thought how fortunate I am to have these two women in my life. Our moments aren’t perfect. Mom’s health isn’t perfect. Our life is far from perfect. Even this chaotic phone conversation wasn’t perfect. I don’t think we really got anything of substance accomplished and halfway through Mom and I had to listen to Sister K complete her drive through order.

But in a sense I was living in the moment. Something I am working hard to do. I wasn’t concerned with Mom’s health, I didn’t ask her any questions about how she was feeling, I just laughed and talked. We all laughed and talked. Created another funny memory. It’s all these funny memories and moments that gets Sister K and I through the tough ones. I consider it our battery recharge and even though it may seem dumb, the sillier the moment the more important it is to charging us up.

Do you believe you need some sort of fuel to get you through tough times? How do you strengthen yourself to prepare as much as you can for a future you can’t predict? Ever had a funny airport conversation and been stared at by other passengers?

Friendship on Friday

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Friends can be like family. But the difference is they can come and go. Some will stay with you for a lifetime and some will stay with you for a season. Leaving a mark on our heart no matter how long their stay.

I look at Mom and Dad and their friends. They have friends from all periods of life. Before kids, after kids, parents of our friends, work friends, church friends, the list goes on. What I think is interesting though is I believe certain people are brought in and out of our lives depending on when we need them. Sometimes I think people are placed in our lives before we even know the strong presence they will serve at a later time…and sadly when their presence is no longer beneficial, it can also be time to move on.

I am only 28 but I already have had many experiences like this with my own friends. Coming in and out. Certain ones having a stronger presence than others at certain times. Almost like they silently take turns. Like life is a play and they are being directed in and out of different acts of my life. But as I have dealt with some big challenges with Mom’s MS, I have also learned which friends I can depend on and which ones I can call. Sister K has learned the same lesson. You can’t predict how your friends will react when you are in a crisis until you are actually in a crisis. It is surprising in good ways and bad ways.

When Mom was in the hospital in May, Sister K and I sent an email to all of our close friends asking them to send Mom cards. We didn’t really know what to expect but we knew they would cheer her up. The end result was inspiring. Mom received stacks of cards- funny, uplifting, light-hearted, even musical. And with each card a message of inspiration. A message to let her know they were there for her because she was important to Sister K and me; since they were our friends that meant Mom was important to them too. Mom has a special relationship with our friends as well as us. She is like a second Mom to many of the friends in our lives. When things get tough, it is nice knowing that in addition to Sister K and me she has an entire network out there of second children waiting to send their love and support to her too.

I am off to visit one of my college best friends this weekend so I guess you could say I have friendship and nostalgia on my mind. What are you up to this weekend? Do you have friends from different periods of life? Have you ever been amazed at the support you receive from friends or surprised when they didn’t meet your expectations? Have a wonderful weekend!

“In sickness & In health”

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September 13, 1980. I wasn’t born yet. I wasn’t even a flick on their radar. I imagine they stood there though. Mom and Dad. Not yet a Mom and Dad, just a man and woman in love. Saying their vows. Living in the moment as a bride and groom. Relishing in the excitement of getting married.

On that day they also said some vows to each other.

“I ___ take you ____ to be my lawful husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Simple words. Powerful words. I have thought a lot about these vows for the past 3 years as I have watched Mom and Dad deal with Mom’s MS. Dealing with an illness that has brought circumstances they never could have imagined standing there together 32 years ago. Circumstances no bride and groom could probably imagine as they stand together saying their vows on their wedding day.

I have watched my parents wrestle with Mom’s MS for the past 3 years since her diagnosis. I have watched the love and support. I have watched Dad deal with so much. I have watched Mom deal with so much. Their life is very present in those marriage vows. “…in sickness and health..” They live their marraige vows everyday.

Today as my parents celebrate their anniversary I can’t help but thank them for providing the ultimate example of love and committment to me. They show me everyday the true meaning of wedding vows. The circumstances may have changed a bit in the past 32 years, but the love that was there as they said those vows remains the same. It’s love that allows them to hold on to those vows. Never wavering or faltering. It’s from them I have learned the power of love.

Happy 32nd Anniversary Mom & Dad!

Scary Feelings

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Mom’s mind is getting a little fuzzy. I’ve mentioned this before but I think I’m going to mention it again. This also probably won’t be the last time I mention it. I think it is becoming a regular symptom of Mom’s MS and a symptom that may be the most difficult of all for me to deal with. Is it strange that I have an easier time with her inability to walk or other issues, but start messing with her mind and I am struggling with how to handle it?

I was on the phone today having a conversation with Mom about this past weekend. She couldn’t keep the details of what happened straight. I listened half-heartedly, filling in the blanks and not making a big deal out of it. But secretly inside it was a big deal to me. Minor details of stopping at McDonald’s, who was there, driving back from the game, things that are pointless but easy to remember. The same thing happened at the football game this weekend. She asked me several questions several times or made the same comment several times. I snapped at her. Sister K looked at me and said my name implying I needed to chill out. I just looked away. I felt bad. I lost my cool once again. It’s hard because I truly don’t know how to deal with this. The closest comparison is my Grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but that is also not the same as this. This is a weird symptom of MS. It’s also a weird symptom that comes and goes. More so when Mom is tired. Sister K tried talking to her on the phone Saturday night and then got on the phone with me saying, “What is wrong with Mom? Is she tired? She’s tired.” And we agreed she was tired.

I don’t know if I am supposed to answer Mom’s questions multiple times. Retell the same stories multiple times. Go through the motions of reptition but not think about the real meaning of it. That is the hard part. The only comparison to dealing with this is how I dealt with my Grandmother- and I did answer her questions multiple times and listen to her stories multiple times. But doing that with Mom in some ways frightens me. It frightens me because it means we are back there again even though it’s in a different way, except this time it is Mom.

This seems to be a tricky symptom for me to wrap my head around. It’s easier when I’m completely rested and in a good mood. This isn’t easy when I’m tired and life has got me down. It also isn’t easy because I don’t know what I am supposed to do. The topic of this makes me scared inside. It is one of the symptoms I don’t share with anyone. I don’t think anyone except Dad, Sister K and Husband know it is out there. Sister K and I discuss it with each other but we keep it light-hearted. We try to sorta laugh it off when things happen so we don’t get upset- “Mom’s being crazy again” is what we say. That’s how we deal. Maybe there is nothing to do. Maybe I just need to embrace the repetition and come to terms with the scary feelings inside. Push them away when they bubble up. Realize I can’t react based on the scary feelings. The struggle is deep down I know it’s serious. No one gives you a manual for telling you how to deal with the scary feelings.

Have you ever been secretly scared of something? Have you ever reacted to a situation on impulse based on your negative scared feelings? How do you block out negative thoughts? How would you deal with something like this?

Seeking Approval.

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“Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned.”

This pretty much describes Mom and her role of defending Sister K and me in life. My happy go lucky, unassuming mother remained that way, until you messed with her child. Then she became a lion.

7th Grade was a tough year for me. I switched schools in middle school and had to deal with making new friends at a new school at a time when no one wanted to be my friend. I am not going to relive the experience here but will say it was awful. 17 years later it’s still difficult for me to think about. At the same time it showed me a different side of Mom. I had never seen her so upset and defensive of something I was going through. I learned very quickly you do not mess with Mom’s daughters.

Recently I have had an issue with a friend. The issue actually began during my wedding planning 2 years ago and I feel like it’s finally coming to closure. What is coming to closure is the fact that we are not friends anymore and will not be friends in the future. I won’t get into it but what I will say is it’s hard. The neutral notes: Something sad happened. I acted how I thought was best and would do it again based on the situation and based on everything I was managing at the time- wedding planning, dealing with a Mom newly diagnosed with MS slowly declining, and a Grandmother dying of Alzheimer’s. She didn’t realize the stress I was under. In her eyes, my response wasn’t enough for her. It’s almost a he said/she said situation now. Bottom line though is if it’s really a friendship it’s worth fighting for, forgiving and moving on, realizing we both probably made mistakes- I don’t think she sees it that way. That’s fine. I am working towards moving on realizing it is all I can do.

The point though is through talking with a mutual friend I realized the full extent of all of this on Friday night. I was upset and kind of defeated. As I updated Mom on the phone about it she rose her voice and defended me. Defended me to thin air. No one could hear except Dad who was in the kitchen, but she defended me. I don’t know why but it was nice. Knowing that in her eyes what I did wasn’t as bad as it was being made out to be made me feel less upset. I had her approval.

I know it may seem strange that at 28 I still want Mom’s approval, but I do. It’s also interesting to me because sometimes it is tough approval to get. Sometimes it is hard to talk to Mom. Sometimes I think she isn’t connecting what is happening or what I want her response to be the way she used to. This continues to be hard. I am having to in a sense move on from my quest for approval. Find a way to know I am not always going to have her approval. First of all I am an adult and our relationship is evolving as a result of this. But then mix in MS and how my role as Mom’s daughter is also changing and that makes this difficult too. It’s something I am wrestling with. Wanting approval- not getting the response I want- dealing with it.

Do you ever want approval from the people in your life? If you have children have you ever watched yourself turn into a lion to protect your cubs? Any tough moments realizing friendships are over? My hearts go out to the USA on the anniversary of 9-11 and all those who lost their lives.