Tag Archives: daughter

Don’t judge me but…

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Would you believe I am afraid of the blender? Not a lie. I am afraid of most major kitchen appliances and since I got married I am also now the owner of most of these kitchen appliances. Why would I register for them if I already knew I was scared and never going to use them? Because your wedding is the only time you have the opportunity to get these items and that’s what you are supposed to do. For instance here is a list of items Husband and I now own that I have yet to use after almost 2 years of marriage because I am afraid of them: blender, waffle maker, KitchenAid mixer, and food processor. The last two really freak me out. Go on, laugh or judge.

In the past day I have been thinking about why I don’t just jump right in and figure these things out. They can’t be that complicated to use. What is holding me back. Why do I even have this silly fear in the first place. I realized I have inherited this from Mom. In Mom’s own way she avoids things she is uncomfortable with…and with her MS this has been a big issue. I realized this especially last Saturday when she admitted herself she is pretty much avoiding dealing with MS. But the point is whether it is a big issue like MS or a small one like kitchen appliances, I am doing my own dance with avoiding. Avoiding the unknown, avoiding failure at using these, avoiding having to figure them out. They aren’t something I am comfortable with and in large part because I don’t come from a big family of chefs- kitchen appliances were not readily used a lot growing up. I don’t knock that. In a similar way I have realized Mom’s family growing up was not very aggressive about health issues. It all contributes to fear and being uncomfortable dealing with the unknown.

The point though is I am seeing random qualities in Mom’s handling of bigger issues like MS that may have begun on a smaller level, for example say in the kitchen. I know children pick up traits of their parents. They just do. Sister K even has her own levels of avoidance involving other things in her life. One of mine just happen to involve avoiding kitchen appliances.

I don’t want to phrase this as I don’t like this quality and want to change because I was given this quality somehow from Mom. By knocking this trait I am knocking her and that’s not what I want to do. But in wanting to be different from your parents is that wrong? Is that insulting? And how do you even go about doing it when it is all you know? When the person you could ask for advice to begin with is the person who you most likely got this trait from? I don’t know. But I know I should probably try. And I should probably start by attempting to use the blender.

Are there qualities you have inherited from your parents for good or bad? Do you ever seek to change things about yourself? When you are afraid of something do you dive right in to tackle it? Do you think it is absolutely insane I have a fear of kitchen appliances? Did you register for things when you got married that you have never used?

The Kitchen

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Our kitchen in my parent’s house seems to be the backdrop for all the serious family discussions we have ever had. They don’t take place on the couches in the living room, we never use the dining room, occasionally when we were younger and in trouble we had to go talk to my parents in their bedroom, but the kitchen has always been where all the action happens. It is where our family plays out. Where we eat, where we laugh, where we have spontaneous dance parties, where we yell, where we fight, where we make up, where we celebrate coming home, where we say good bye to our parents- it all takes place in the kitchen.

So Saturday night it only makes sense that when we needed to have a serious discussion with Mom, it took place in the kitchen. It was a conversation of sorts that had been on Sister K’s mind and my mind a lot recently. I knew there were things that needed to be said to both Mom and Dad. We were concerned about Dad being spread too thin, we were frustrated with Mom’s approach to everything, in a way we believe Mom isn’t admitting she has MS. She admitted that to us in so many words as we were discussing it Saturday night. It was a heated discussion. It was tough. A lot was said. I can’t even really remember all of it. Mom was very upset by the time we were done. She went to bed crying and didn’t sleep a lot. I don’t think any of us slept a lot. To say it again, it was a tough conversation.

When we were done, Mom and Dad left the room to get ready for bed. I stood in the kitchen with Sister K pouring myself a glass of water. She started crying. I gave her a hug. I didn’t cry though which was surprising. I did feel a surge of emotions though. I am sorry this had to come to this- I am sorry these thoughts have been brewing inside of our heads and we had to talk about them like this; I am sorry they couldn’t be solved without a big conversation like this; I am frustrated Mom and Dad haven’t taken the initiative to solve these issues without a big conversation like this; I am sad we made Mom so upset; I am sad Mom is so sad; I am nervous about what the future holds; I feel relief knowing I got a lot off of my chest about everything; I also feel worried we don’t know what we are doing or how to handle this; and, I still feel confused as to why all of this is happening to us. Why us. Why my family. Why can’t this all just go away. Where is all of this heading.

In 24 hours we had gone from having the best moments with Mom to having the worst moments with Mom. In the same way that the memory of our wonderful day will always be there, so will the memory of one of our darkest discussions. I think the reason it was so tough is because Mom just kept saying she had no idea we felt this way. Part of me thinks that may in fact be the case. If she isn’t admitting she has MS then she isn’t admitting any of these other issues exist. This is what we are facing now. But I reminded myself and reminded Sister K, if we didn’t care about our family we wouldn’t have had that discussion. We would’ve simply walked away from it all. We wouldn’t be fighting with our family for our family. We would have given up. We wouldn’t care anymore. And that is a situation neither of us could imagine.

Was there a resolution to all of this? Not really. Do I know if it will do any good? No I don’t. But what I do know is Sister K and I don’t feel this enormous weight of things left unsaid. Not making Mom aware of our fears regarding Dad and the stress he is under and not making her aware of the fears regarding herself. I don’t know where it will all head from here. That is where I realize even more so that none of this is in my control. The only thing I can control is my faith. It’s my faith that is going to give me what I need to get me through this. That and a kitchen that has seen my family through the smiles and the tears of my life. Our kitchen is like an old friend. It believe in us, believes in our family. I believe it knows we will get through this, that we will soon gather there again to laugh and commisserate as we continue to deal with all life throws at us, whether it is MS related or not.

Is there a room in your house that serves as the backdrop to the majority of your family moments? Do you have any experience confronting tough issues with loved ones? Would you believe we are not big cooks in my family even though we spend the majority of our time in the kitchen?  

“Ladies who lunch”

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A rollercoaster weekend. I am beginning to think I might slightly live a rollercoaster life. My weekend at home was filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Friday was lovely. Saturday night was tough. Sunday was a day of recovery. In that sense it was like a rollercoaster. Started out climbing the big dip, then fell down the big dip and then recovered on an easier curve.

Friday Sister K set out on a mission to have a wonderful and fun day with Mom. A day in which MS is there but not the center of attention. A day in which we focus on our relationship with Mom and what it has always been instead of focusing on the stress it is under at times. We wanted to have lunch and go shopping. Thinking through this there may have been a time where we would have gone one place for lunch and another for shopping. We realized the less we had to get Mom in and out of the car the easier everything would be on her and the more relaxed she would be. So we decided to have a delicious lunch at the Neiman Marcus cafe. Sister K and I ordered mimosas to celebrate the occasion. We settled in and all referred to ourselves as “ladies who lunch.” There was fun conversation but most importantly we were having a memorable day- just Mom out with her girls. Like she has done so many times before and like we fight so hard to continue to do. After salads and dessert we headed to shop- Forever 21 and Loft.

Forever 21 made me laugh. Sister K loves Forever 21. I do find good deals there on clothes but I can’t stay in there very long- the store stresses me out. But after selecting some tops/jackets to try on Sister K and I found a corner in the store that wasn’t crowded, parked Mom in her wheelchair and proceeded to try the clothes on over our own clothes. I laughed. Part of me felt embarassed. The other part of me didn’t care. That part of me said until someone comes over here and tells us otherwise we are going to continue layering on 3 layers of clothes and not going into a dressing room. With Mom’s MS we live by our own rules now and the rules we live by are all centered around what is easiest for us as far as Mom is concerned. It’s time I really begin to focus on that and not my embarrassment I am prone to at times.

Then we headed to Loft. It was almost like night and day. We wandered around the store collecting clothes to try on. We had them strung on Mom as she sat in her wheelchair since we needed our hands free to push. It was another sight to see. Loft was so accomodating and gave us a huge handicap accessible dressing room. Sister K, Mom and Me in a dressing room has always been a hilarious time and this proved to be no different.

It was a day of lunching and shopping. A day of doing our favorite activities we have always done but modifying them to fit our current situation and needs. I realized things are not going to be the same they were. Activities take more planning and more thought. They require more coordination in the moment. It wasn’t as stressful of a day as I think I had envisioned. I think the fact that Sister K and I were there together helped a lot. We tend to be a calming force for each other lately. But the main take away that I continue to need to be reminded of again and again: Mom is still Mom. Our mother/daughter relationship is still there. And because I know how these moments don’t come around everyday I know to cherish the memory of our “ladies who lunch” shopping day more than I might have before. In my mind it was a perfect day with Mom. A day which the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. A day that in my heart I didn’t want to end.

Have you ever shared a perfect day with someone you didn’t want to end? Do you cherish memories of these days or tend to take for granted they will happen again? Ever felt a rollercoaster of emotions in a small 3 day time period? More on that later this week.

Dad’s Challenge

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Sister K and I are going home tonight to stay with Mom because Dad is out of town on business overnight. Originally it was just going to be Sister K going tonight and me going down tomorrow. Long story short of not wanting to each be driving cars down on separate days I decided to go this evening too.

Dad called the other night to talk about our upcoming visit. Last weekend, Sunday to be exact, I had a rather big blow up with Mom. I don’t know how it got so out of hand but it did. It was not one of my shining moments. She was mad, I was mad, and there was no resolution. I literally said good bye to my parents and got in the car to drive back here. I have never done that. I still don’t feel right about it but at the same time I was feeling very trapped, frustrated and at a loss for what to do next. I knew I had snapped. I also knew it wasn’t all my fault. But my family is not one to hold grudges and play the blame game. So I apologized later and we moved on.

But when Dad called he referenced the argument. He then used his “Dad tone”- very straightforward, kind, and respectful….a way that makes you listen without getting defensive or mad, a way that makes you realize the severity of a situation without getting scared…it is an art that after raising daughters for 28 years he has down to perfection. His words went something like this: 

You Mom is sick. I am asking you to have unconditional love for her the same way she has for you all these years. I know it’s not going to be perfect. I know the house is an absolute mess right now. I know there are a lot of frustrations with Mom. But I am asking that when you come home this weekend to come home and just enjoy Mom. Enjoy your time with her. Don’t focus on the other things. Just focus on Mom. Because it really hurts her when you fight. I know she fights back but I know it hurts her. We don’t know where all of this is headed. So wouldn’t you rather know you enjoyed the time you had with her now while she is at a point where you can still do things with her rather than fighting about all these other issues. I know there are lots of frustrations and I hear them and I am doing everything I can to fix them. It’s just taking some time. But when you and Sister K fight with your Mom then I have to get involved and it wears on me. I realize this is in large part because of what MS is doing to your relationship because we never used to have these issues. The point is I am asking you to just come home and enjoy Mom.”

The above wasn’t said in a mean manner. I wasn’t upset once we were done talking. It was simply a matter of fact discussion. Discussions we have had many times before. Another one that stands out in my mind involved a college “not boyfriend/boyfriend” that Dad told me it was time to kick to the curb. It was 8 years ago but I still remember it like it was yesterday. But these are the kind of discussions where Dad speaks and you listen and understand. And you think about his words. And you let them seep into your mind. And you know you need to find a way to intertwine his recommendation into your actions. In my family when Dad speaks, we listen. This is not at all in a drill sergeant manner but in a my Dad means the world to me and I want to do right by him manner.

So in so many words that is what I will be trying to do this weekend. Not get frustrated by the other issues. Not get overwhelmed by our messy house or other things of that nature. I will just enjoy Mom. And come Monday I will tell you how successful I was at putting everything else aside.

I know it is a day early but have a nice weekend. Want to join me in my challenge? Try not to sweat the small stuff and focus on enjoying your loved ones this weekend.

Handling The Impossible

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Dad is spread too thin. I have been thinking this in the back of my mind for awhile. This weekend it became more than a thought. I drove home for the weekend because we had a family friend in town. I had heard earlier in the day Dad’s back was hurting him very badly. He had said it was hurting the day before as a result of sleeping on Sister K’s couch bed. On Friday he went to the chiropractor. By Friday evening when I saw him I could tell he was in pain but was still moving around and functioning. In a sense he doesn’t have a choice not to. He was hunched over and I was concerned. It was one thing to have the thought in the back of my mind that Dad is taking on too much with work, social obligations and caring for Mom. It was another to see what can happen because of it.

It scared me. It continues to scare me. Saturday I took Mom for a few hours and we went to run some errands with Grandpa and went to lunch. I told Dad to stay home and relax. He even admitted he felt weird doing it but at the same time when I got back he admitted how nice it felt. How he hadn’t been in any pain all morning.

Saturday afternoon we talked about how he may need to bring in some extra help in some regard with Mom. He admitted it may be time. We tried to figure out the specific needs of our family. I think the consensus is right now he needs someone to assist in managing the house in some regard. Running errands, grocery shopping, straightening the house, etc. He is working a full day, then coming home at night and running errands and managing the house. He admits it is becoming too much.

But this doesn’t change the fact that I am scared. I am also scared because in a way I have known for some time this was going to happen. I have known Dad is spread too thin. I thought something may happen. And it did. It could have been worse but it wasn’t. But the point is it could have and it could be next time. Dad is the anchor of our family right now. A family that’s being hit with new challenges and changes everyday. Changes that I am struggling with more and more everyday. This weekend I struggled a lot. As I struggled I think I misplaced my anger, fear, and frustration. They came out with Mom even though I know it isn’t her fault. It is the nature of MS. It is how they are coping with the disease. But it still makes me mad. Mad and scared. It makes me feel like coping with all of this is impossible. Like I am going to struggle permanently so I better start getting used to it.

Curious if you have MS, what kind of additional support do you have if any? As a caretaker, what kind of additional support do you have? How do you handle not misplacing your frustration with a situation? How do you keep your cool when faced with constant pressure?

My Personal Olympic Trial

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The Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony is tonight. I have been thinking about this a lot recently. Yes because of the Olympics but also because of Mom. It has made me think a lot about time. Specifically the passage of 4 years. What has transpired since the last time I watched a Summer Olympics Opening Ceremony.

It was July 2008. I had just finished graduate school and moved to the same city as my boyfriend to see if our relationship would work in the same city. We had been long distance for 2 years. That boyfriend is now Husband so I think you can fill in the blanks on if we succeeded. I was moving in with my college friend L. Mom was in town helping me unpack. My mom handled the movers arrival because I had just started working at my new job. The evening of the opening ceremonies she and I were shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond for a few things I needed. We had dinner together at TGIFridays. Then Husband came over to my new apartment to assemble my bookcase and watch the opening ceremonies.

I am thinking a lot about Mom because so much has happened that I could have never predicted that evening as I walked around BB&B with her. The main difference, she was walking freely around BB&B. She was visiting me by herself. She was my fearless, independent Mom who arrived, took care of me, helped me unpack and then left.

Fast forward to today. Since then Mom has been diagnosed with MS (2009) and today is having incredible difficulty walking with her walker at home and using a wheelchair when we are out in public. I have been quitely thinking about this in the back of my mind over the past week almost in shock. In shock at how much life can change in 4 years. In good ways and bad ways. It makes me nervous for the next 4 years. I don’t know where Mom’s health is headed and it is scary. What form will life take as we watch the opening ceremonies of the next Summer Olympics.

So while the Olympics are a time of celebration and excitement together as a country, this time it has personally been a time of reflection about the past and the future as well as the present. It reiterates that I don’t know the course life will take. I cannot control the future. All I can do is prepare myself for the unexpected. I didn’t know then that I was preparing for today. The same way I don’t know how today is preparing me for 4 years from now. The future is an unknown. For all of us. But having seen how unknown it really is in comparison to 4 years ago I feel a little more nervous about it than I used to. A tough realization I am admitting to myself on this otherwise celebratory day.

Will you be watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympics tonight? Where were you 4 years ago for the Summer Oympics in Beijing? How do you handle the unknown of the future? Where do you hope to be 4 years from now?

The Value of a Change of Scenery

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I visited the parentals this past weekend. I headed down Friday after work and returned yesterday. I debated going a little bit but in the end decided it’d be more fun than just hanging out by myself in my apartment for the weekend. I needed a change of scenery. I needed it for myself.

I also wanted to go to see Mom. I can understand more how she is really doing when I see her in person verses hearing about it from Dad. Saturday Mom had a hair cut so Dad and I went to lunch while waiting to go pick her up. When we picked up Mom she looked great and was in such good spirits as Dad wheeled her out. I always think it’s amazing what a hair cut can do to give a boost to anyone. To keep the good spirits going, I immediately suggested we go to Nordstrom’s because they were having their big Anniversary sale. I knew it would really be a good pick me up for Mom to go to the mall and wander around. So we did.

As I was pushing her inside we were surrounded by the shiny tile floor, the bright lights and the clothes…Mom immediately said, “Oh I could just cry, you don’t know how happy it makes me to be inside of a mall.” It was a moment that most people wouldn’t pay much attention to, just walking inside of Nordstrom’s and focused on their destination. But for us this moment wasn’t about the destination but about the experience. It made me pause and truly appreciate this moment with Mom. A moment I would have normally taken for granted and not even paid much attention to that turned out to be a moment that meant so much to Mom.

Mom has always been very active, running errands and driving us around from place to place. In many ways MS has taken that freedom from her. Losing that has been difficult and I am now realizing how difficult it truly is. We try to take Mom places but many times she would prefer to just stay home. There are a lot of variables in trips outside the house that make her nervous and all of these variables are eliminated simply by staying home. But at the same time staying home is not uplifting for Mom. It can in many ways put her in a cycle of being very down about life.

I am not going to lie and say that doing this is simple. The process of the mall and then going out to dinner afterwards was actually very involved. Getting mom in and out of the car, in and out of the store, in and out of the restroom, there is a lot there. It isn’t easy. It requires a strategic balance between different levels of concentration and still maintaining a fun relaxed mood at the same time. I am learning to navigate not only places but also how navigate my mind in a calm way under stressful moments to improve Mom’s experiences in places. I am also learning in a big way that sometimes the best things in life are the ones you have to work for the hardest. In a way some of the most positive memories I can create with Mom right now are the ones that require the most effort on my part. We still have a lot of fun inside our home but activities outside our home can really lift up the entire family.

In a round about way I realized that in the same way it is important for me to personally get out of my apartment and go places to socialize, it is equally if not more important to make sure Mom is also. It doesn’t have to be everyday or even every weekend but it needs to happen. It’s important for Mom and it’s important for us. The bottom line: it’s important.

Do you recognize in yourself the need for a chance of scenery sometimes? Do you understand the balance between making sure you are having a fun time and concentrating on the task at hand? Are you hitting up the Nordstroms Anniversary Sale?

Reading and Living in “The Middle Place”

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I had a family fun post planned for today but I have run out of time and won’t be able to do it. Tomorrow though, tomorrow.

Instead I have just spent the afternoon filling out insurance benefit renewals. Something that I really do not enjoy dealing with because quite frankly it is very confusing. I think I just mentioned the words “if Husband dies I get x amount, he gets this amount” about 5 times in the past hour. So I am feeling a bit morbid.

Today I started a new book called The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan. It is a unique story about a woman who is married with two children but is wrestling with her father’s diagnosis with cancer in addition to her own diagnosis with cancer. She refers to “the midle place” as the period when the world tells you that you are officially an adult but you still value your parents greatly and still feel like a child in many respects. 

I feel I can really relate to this woman’s story in that aspect. I feel like I am in “the middle place” right now. Navigating the world of being a wife and a daughter while even at times still feeling like a child. Over the past year as Mom’s health has declined in some regards I have felt this struggle more and more. The struggle within my own self, within my own family between childhood and adulthood. Feeling the sense that I am having to “grow up” very fast, even though I realize at 28 I should feel pretty grown up as it is. It has been different though because I have felt forced to grow up because of Mom’s MS. I feel like as the oldest daughter there is a responsibility shift occuring, it is silent but it is there. It has required me to think maturely, make big decisions and even take care of Mom physically in some regards- things I didn’t think I would be dealing with for many years from now. I think everyday I feel this pull between childhood and adulthood. It’s nice to find a name for it thanks to Kelly Corrigan, to refer to it as “the middle place.”

This feels like it has been a long week. Do you recall a time or period in your life when you may have felt like you were in “the middle place?” Have you read the book? Do you hate filling out insurance paperwork as much as I do?

Running Inside The Hamster Wheel

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I am not a morning person. I am attempting to possibly become more of a morning person by going to sleep earlier, but I am a self proclaimed night owl. Sister K called me this morning as I was heading to work. I talk to my family any time of day during any kind of transit but mornings aren’t usually the norm for any of us. Maybe it’s because none of us are morning people at the heart of it. Could it be genetic? Makes me laugh to think it is.

Regardless Sister K called me this morning as I was walking out the door to head to my car. We started chatting about mindless things. I think I began to mention an issue I had been struggling with lately that sort of involved Mom and how I may need her to get involved at some point. Then I mentioned I may go home this weekend. Truth be told Husband is out of town this summer for a business internship and I don’t have a ton of friends here since most of them revolve around Husband’s school and they are all gone for summer internships. I am one of the lone wives who had to stay put this summer to continue my job. Sister K will also be gone this weekend so I thought why not just go home. It’s not that far away and I can enjoy my own pool instead of the apartment pool in this awful heat. Plus I can be around people and not hang out alone.

I mentioned all of this to Sister K. We began to rehash some issues that have been going on and we continued to nearly talk in circles. We both have our own opinions on things. Sister K is getting her Masters degree currently in Special Development Disorders so in a way I feel like she understands Mom’s reactions or tendencies better than we do. But at the same time I believe that it may take Dad and Me a little longer but we will come to agreement on certain things in our own time. You can’t rush it. I told her I’d like to talk to Dad at some point this weekend without Mom around. Talk about the same issues we have been talking about and the thoughts Sister K and I have on them. Do I know if it will get us anywhere? I don’t. But I also don’t know at what point you just give up or if you continue to fight fight fight. I feel like Sister K and I are losing momentum with everything. We can only do so much and then Mom has to do the rest. That part is hard. It is hard to compare Mom’s situation with other people’s who have MS. In a way you cannot compare because no two cases of MS are alike in the same way that no two people dealing with MS are alike.

Regardless sometimes it feels like a beatdown, to be perfectly honest. A losing battle that we never win. Problems we can never solve. Changes we want but will never be made. At what point do you throw your hands up and say nevermind, I give up..It’s your life, live it how you want. Is that surrendering to MS? It can be so frustrating to continue talking the same words, expressing the same feelings, it makes me feel like a hamster on a spinning wheel…and the wheel spins over and over and over. As the child in all of this at what point is time to dump all of this and say Dad you handle the changes when you are ready because Sister K and I are getting nowhere. Even though all of this primarily resides in his lap already do you just give up trying to reason and move on or is that being a bad child? I don’t know. It’s tricky and murky territory. But I do know Sister K and I can’t continue spinning our wheels getting us nowhere. Today Sister K said it best when she said, can we just change the topic, I am sick of talking about this and it never gets us anywhere. So we moved on. Is that what we need to do in life? It doesn’t feel like the right decision and maybe that means it isn’t. Or maybe that means it is. I don’t know.

Do you have any problems you feel you circle around but never solve? Have you ever just given up when faced with issues with another person or do you believe in fighting through it? How do you keep yourself inspired to keep fighting? On a lighter note, are you a morning person or a night owl?

Flying High

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We are in the process of booking flights for our trip next summer. Since it will be a long flight we are wanting to make sure we get good seats for Mom especially. I called American Airlines last night to talk to them about upgrades, Advantage miles, etc. Dad and I are going to book the flights on Saturday. Keeping my fingers crossed we get someone on the phone who is knowledgable. Who can help us to book the best travel available to us. But like Dad always taught me, if you don’t like your answer simply hang up and call back. This is a valuable lesson that has served me well in life.

Curious if anyone has any advice on flying with an accessibility, especially a long distance? We have flown with Mom before so this isn’t completely new territory. We have learned how to get assistance to and from the gate, allow extra time to get through security and make sure Mom takes enough breaks to walk around on the plane. This time we will also be taking extra equipment: her walker, her own wheelchair, etc. Lots of little things that I need to figure out how the transportation of these items will work.

I am making a list of questions. I love a good list and I also love crossing items off a list. The list for this trip, I know it’s going to be long. But something about that makes this trip so much more meaningful. I know it is going to take a little extra work planning but I also know it is going to make the experience that much more meaningful. The thought of that is something that makes me smile.

Does anyone have any tips to help book a good reservation over the phone? Anyone else sleepy today because I sure am..