Tag Archives: new perspective

Confused by Encouragement

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve always been encouraged and pushed to succeed. Not in an unhealthy way but in a normal, “you can do this” sort of way. I also have always responded to it. It had the desired effect on me. I push and continue to push myself to succeed. If I am afraid to do something I figure that means I really need to do it- as much as I don’t want to, I will force myself.

What is strange though is I am not sure where I got this from, this trait. Mom is one of the biggest people who has always pushed and encouraged me. She pushed me onto a plane to study abroad, she left my 18 year old crying self at my dorm room freshmen year of college, she moved me to another state for graduate school- she did all of these things because she knew I’d be okay and knew I needed to do them.

But the strange part is the same does not exist in the reverse where Mom is concerned. Mom does not operate this way. If we try to push her to do more where her MS is concerned, she gets frustrated. Most of the time it doesn’t end well. She doesn’t fight for things the same way she taught me to fight. But in the same way I am simply trying to instill in her the same ideals she has instilled in me. It leaves me confused. I don’t exactly understand how that works. I know she wants the best for me the same way I want the best for her- but when the role of mother and daughter switches into reverse and I become “the encourager” and she becomes “the encouragee”that gets lost in translation. Yet I know that in life the person who has always encouraged me and pushed me more than anyone is Mom- at the same time I know this baffles most people because this is the same Mom who struggles to push herself.

I don’t really know where I am headed with this but it’s an observation I’ve made and one I want to file away…I do believe all these observations will intertwine themselves into a life lesson that is forming. I am just not sure what it is yet.

Did your parents push or encourage you to try things you were scared of when you were younger? Have you experienced moments of trying to push or encourage your own parents but not getting the desired effects? Do you think paying attention to comparisons in our life can lead to many life lessons if we pay close enough attention?

Weathering The Storm

Posted on by
Reply

Fall. It is one of my favorite seasons. Right now it is a strange transition between warm and cool temperatures- a transition I am struggling with in my wardrobe as well. Dress for the morning when its 50 or dress for the afternoon when its 80. But I am not complaining- the weather is beautiful.

It makes me wonder how much weather can impact our mood. Mom does not do well with the heat of the summer. But the cooler weather brings with it a change in her spirit. Sister K picked me up at work and took me to lunch today. I had been inside of an office building all day but the time I spent outside really rejuvenated me. I felt like I had a renewed outlook on my day. This is also in large part thanks to time spent with Sister K.

I have been thinking a lot about the phrase “weathering the storm.” Our life is similar to the weather in that we have our own seasons and our own changes. Some are dark and gloomy and some are bright and beautiful. But like the weather that is always changing, our circumstances are always changing too. As much as we try to see the storm coming, we aren’t always accurate in our predictions. Sometimes it slams us and sometimes it misses us altogether. The thing to remember though is eventually it will pass. Eventually we will “weather the storm”- the storms of the skies and the storms of our lives.

Do you feel like your mood changes depending on the weather? Have you “weathered any storms” recently in your own life? Do you believe dark and gloomy is necessary because it makes us appreciate bright and beautiful that much more? How is the weather today where you live?

Mom’s Cheerleaders

Posted on by
Reply

As I mentioned, Sister K has been home this week staying with Mom. Last night Mom’s physical therapist Coach C came over to work with her. Between the two of them they will use any excuse to turn something into a party; and, since Sister K was in town, she and Mom threw a mini one with the three of them. They made chi-chis, Mom’s favorite Hawaiian drink, and ordered Papa John’s pizza. Sister K texted me to ask: how do I get Mom to do her exercises even though we’re having party time. I said: well you’re just going to have to channel your inner “responsible big sister (me)” and do it. Coach C ended up taking the responsibility and got Mom on her bike even though she didn’t want to do it.

But I love this scene and the atmosphere because it is a way we are turning these seemingly tough moments and situations into fun. We are blending physical therapy with a party. We are blending MS and who we are as a family. It is another way we are creating our new normal.

We have also learned that the more we make these things uplifting and fun as opposed to depressing and focused on MS, the more positive Mom’s feelings on the situation are. We are in many ways her cheerleaders and have realized the responsibility that has been placed on us to help Mom…Keep her spirits up when we can, keep things positive, and keep things fun. I am not saying we are perfect- I know Sister K and I have snapped more times than we’d like, but last night I’d say she got it right.

How do you adapt to tough changes and keep things positive at the same time? Do you ever feel like you are the cheerleader for someone during tough times or have someone in your life who is your cheerleader? Have you ever tried a chi-chi?

Hello, This is My Life.

Posted on by
4

Sister K is between finishing grad school and starting her new job in October, so she is home this week. Dad had to go out of town on business and asked her to come in to help Mom out. This means I am spending the week left out of our mother/daughter trio and feeling jealous..bitter..and jealous.

But to make up for it Sister K has been snapping random iPhone pictures of Mom, updates on what they are doing, and funny comments that only she and I would understand. Sister K has a unique ability to roll with the punches in all of this. I think she does it better than me at times. Like today when Mom had finally gotten ready to go and had lunch, she then decided she needed to go lay down to rest…when Sister K texted me this I was thinking what??? Sister K just decided fine, I am going to set up my new iPad. But that’s what being part of a family with MS is in a way. It is rolling with the punches. We can have a perfectly scheduled day, but it hardly ever works out the way we have it planned. We never leave when we think we are going to, it takes us forever to get out the door, by the time we get somewhere we are usually cutting our plans in half because we have run out of time, and we have to find ways to combine all of these events into a one stop to minimize the number of times in and out of the car.

All of this is something that takes a lot of getting used to. It takes the ability to disown your plans and just own how off track your day is going to turn out. For someone who loves plans like me, this is not easy at all. Lately though when things start to go off course or off schedule I am learning to just stop and think: “Hello, this is my life.” And try to laugh.

Do you like making plans or are you more go with the flow? Do you think you can train yourself to be better at one or the other? Do you ever have moments of taking a step back and laughing thinking “Hello, this is my life”? Did you watch Dancing With The Stars last night? Expect me to be talking about it all season. I am apologizing in advance to my readers.

Unexpected “Emotional Dump”

Posted on by
1

Do you ever have moments where someone contacts you out of the blue- a text, an email a phone call…and before you know it you are thinking I didn’t know how badly I needed to talk to someone. You don’t realize how badly you are in need of an “emotional dump” and an encouraging word until after it’s over.

This happened yesterday to me. One of my best friends who was my roommate before Husband and I got married texted me out of the blue to say “Tomorrow is Friday!” It was a random text. And all of a sudden before I knew it words were pouring out of me over texts, I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts and I just let everything I was thinking out. Then I caught myself thinking I bet she thinks I am crazy or is wishing she had never texted me in the first place. But she responded and she kept responding. She was encouraging, she was saying all the right things, she was giving me a text message pep talk with exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I later said it was so strange she just happened to message because I was en route to a happy hour and was in my post work exhausted state of mind…but the timing was perfect. She said, “I don’t know why I just felt like I needed to message you; I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just said something silly.”

I need to remember these moments. I think they happen to me more than I realize. They happen when I am worried about Mom, overwhelmed by life, stressed by my own life…they just happen. The thing is they don’t come in the form of a giant lightning bolt of wisdom, instead they come in very simple forms like a blog post comment or a silly text message from a friend. It’s a reminder of the power of friends. It’s also a reminder of the power of this blog. All of your comments and notes are not lost on me and I do believe each of you holds a purpose in my life bigger than you realize in why you come here and comment. I hope today I can be the cheerleader in a tough moment for you and all of my friends the way so many people are for me. Cheers to helping each other make it through the messy parts of life!

Have you ever had a moment where someone contacts you out of the blue but in hindsight you realize how much you needed to talk to someone? Do you like the phrase “emotional dump?” I just invented it yesterday. What are your plans for the weekend? Sister K and I are heading to another college football game tomorrow. Have a great weekend!

Changing of Seasons

Posted on by
Reply

Saturday marks the beginning of fall. To me fall is a magical time because there is so much anticipation in the air. There are lots of holidays to look forward to- Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s. There are days off from work, parties to attend, presents to buy, and visits with people you haven’t seen in awhile.

With each holiday season though there are new challenges for us as a family and so far no two years have been alike. Halloween specifically has undergone its own transformation over the past couple of years. The candy distribution has seen a complete overhaul in many ways. Mom and Dad have gone from sitting on the porch together passing out candy all evening to Mom passing it out as the doorbell rings, to Mom leaving candy on the door step because it is too difficult to get up and down. This is sad because while to some that may seem like a hassle it is something Mom loved to do. Seeing the kids, their costumes and the interaction.

In addition to the anticipation and excitement the fall season also brings with it a touch of nostalgia and sadness for me as I think about year’s past. Think about how one compares to the next. I think this is also just the nature of life- MS or no MS. No two years are the same and no two years will bring with them the same dynamics. It’s important to remember that for once this is not something unique to Mom’s MS. Life changes for everyone year to year.

Do you ever feel nostalgia comparing holiday experiences from the past to the present? Do you enjoy the fall season? What is your favorite holiday? Do you dress up for Halloween?

Scary Feelings

Posted on by
Reply

Mom’s mind is getting a little fuzzy. I’ve mentioned this before but I think I’m going to mention it again. This also probably won’t be the last time I mention it. I think it is becoming a regular symptom of Mom’s MS and a symptom that may be the most difficult of all for me to deal with. Is it strange that I have an easier time with her inability to walk or other issues, but start messing with her mind and I am struggling with how to handle it?

I was on the phone today having a conversation with Mom about this past weekend. She couldn’t keep the details of what happened straight. I listened half-heartedly, filling in the blanks and not making a big deal out of it. But secretly inside it was a big deal to me. Minor details of stopping at McDonald’s, who was there, driving back from the game, things that are pointless but easy to remember. The same thing happened at the football game this weekend. She asked me several questions several times or made the same comment several times. I snapped at her. Sister K looked at me and said my name implying I needed to chill out. I just looked away. I felt bad. I lost my cool once again. It’s hard because I truly don’t know how to deal with this. The closest comparison is my Grandmother who had Alzheimer’s but that is also not the same as this. This is a weird symptom of MS. It’s also a weird symptom that comes and goes. More so when Mom is tired. Sister K tried talking to her on the phone Saturday night and then got on the phone with me saying, “What is wrong with Mom? Is she tired? She’s tired.” And we agreed she was tired.

I don’t know if I am supposed to answer Mom’s questions multiple times. Retell the same stories multiple times. Go through the motions of reptition but not think about the real meaning of it. That is the hard part. The only comparison to dealing with this is how I dealt with my Grandmother- and I did answer her questions multiple times and listen to her stories multiple times. But doing that with Mom in some ways frightens me. It frightens me because it means we are back there again even though it’s in a different way, except this time it is Mom.

This seems to be a tricky symptom for me to wrap my head around. It’s easier when I’m completely rested and in a good mood. This isn’t easy when I’m tired and life has got me down. It also isn’t easy because I don’t know what I am supposed to do. The topic of this makes me scared inside. It is one of the symptoms I don’t share with anyone. I don’t think anyone except Dad, Sister K and Husband know it is out there. Sister K and I discuss it with each other but we keep it light-hearted. We try to sorta laugh it off when things happen so we don’t get upset- “Mom’s being crazy again” is what we say. That’s how we deal. Maybe there is nothing to do. Maybe I just need to embrace the repetition and come to terms with the scary feelings inside. Push them away when they bubble up. Realize I can’t react based on the scary feelings. The struggle is deep down I know it’s serious. No one gives you a manual for telling you how to deal with the scary feelings.

Have you ever been secretly scared of something? Have you ever reacted to a situation on impulse based on your negative scared feelings? How do you block out negative thoughts? How would you deal with something like this?

Seeking Approval.

Posted on by
1

“Hell hath no fury like a mother scorned.”

This pretty much describes Mom and her role of defending Sister K and me in life. My happy go lucky, unassuming mother remained that way, until you messed with her child. Then she became a lion.

7th Grade was a tough year for me. I switched schools in middle school and had to deal with making new friends at a new school at a time when no one wanted to be my friend. I am not going to relive the experience here but will say it was awful. 17 years later it’s still difficult for me to think about. At the same time it showed me a different side of Mom. I had never seen her so upset and defensive of something I was going through. I learned very quickly you do not mess with Mom’s daughters.

Recently I have had an issue with a friend. The issue actually began during my wedding planning 2 years ago and I feel like it’s finally coming to closure. What is coming to closure is the fact that we are not friends anymore and will not be friends in the future. I won’t get into it but what I will say is it’s hard. The neutral notes: Something sad happened. I acted how I thought was best and would do it again based on the situation and based on everything I was managing at the time- wedding planning, dealing with a Mom newly diagnosed with MS slowly declining, and a Grandmother dying of Alzheimer’s. She didn’t realize the stress I was under. In her eyes, my response wasn’t enough for her. It’s almost a he said/she said situation now. Bottom line though is if it’s really a friendship it’s worth fighting for, forgiving and moving on, realizing we both probably made mistakes- I don’t think she sees it that way. That’s fine. I am working towards moving on realizing it is all I can do.

The point though is through talking with a mutual friend I realized the full extent of all of this on Friday night. I was upset and kind of defeated. As I updated Mom on the phone about it she rose her voice and defended me. Defended me to thin air. No one could hear except Dad who was in the kitchen, but she defended me. I don’t know why but it was nice. Knowing that in her eyes what I did wasn’t as bad as it was being made out to be made me feel less upset. I had her approval.

I know it may seem strange that at 28 I still want Mom’s approval, but I do. It’s also interesting to me because sometimes it is tough approval to get. Sometimes it is hard to talk to Mom. Sometimes I think she isn’t connecting what is happening or what I want her response to be the way she used to. This continues to be hard. I am having to in a sense move on from my quest for approval. Find a way to know I am not always going to have her approval. First of all I am an adult and our relationship is evolving as a result of this. But then mix in MS and how my role as Mom’s daughter is also changing and that makes this difficult too. It’s something I am wrestling with. Wanting approval- not getting the response I want- dealing with it.

Do you ever want approval from the people in your life? If you have children have you ever watched yourself turn into a lion to protect your cubs? Any tough moments realizing friendships are over? My hearts go out to the USA on the anniversary of 9-11 and all those who lost their lives.  

A Little Rant

Posted on by
6

My mom walks with a walker. But aside from that, she is still the same person and would like to be treated the same way she has always been treated by friends and family. She doesn’t want a lot of attention drawn to her. In my head this logical train of thought makes sense.

For some reason though there is a disconnect between my thoughts on this and the way Mom is treated at gatherings with friends and family. People seem to insist that because Mom has a walker, she goes first. For example at a dinner gathering, people insist on Mom walking first to get to the table and they follow behind. They insist upon waiting on the driveway until we walk all the way to our car as a family and even watch us get Mom in the car. The biggest one recently was at a family birthday party gathering- they announced it was time to eat and then insisted Mom go first along with her 85 year old uncle who also has trouble walking to be followed by the other elderly grandparents present. This irritated me. I know they were trying to be nice but it was irritating. Irritating on a number of levels. First of all, I understand people giving respect to elderly relatives and allowing them to get their food first. However, Mom doesn’t want to be lumped into the same category as her elderly relatives just because she has a walker. It also takes Mom awhile to move around. Then she feels pressured because everyone is staring, waiting for her to move, waiting for her to get in her car or get to the restaurant table. On top of that, I was just going to get Mom’s plate of food for her so she didn’t have to drawn any attention to herself. So then I had to explain that instead of just doing it quietly. 

I have talked to Husband about how much this frustrates me. He said he thinks people just think they are being courteous and don’t know what else to do. What I would like to tell everyone else is to just be normal. Go walk to your table, go get in the car, go ahead and start the food line- we don’t mind. The fact that you are stopping to wait also means you are stopping to stare. This then adds pressure and stress to an already sometimes stressful situation. Becuase yes, it takes awhile for Mom to move. Sometimes we have to help her move. We don’t want a lot people standing there staring and waiting while this is happening.

This is kind of a bit of a rant. I do see both sides and understand the point of view everyone is taking. What I don’t know is how to fix this. I don’t know if in the moment I should suggest to people to go ahead and not wait for us. I just find it awkward and irritating. I think I take it more personally because in my eyes Mom isn’t an elderly grandparent, she is my 59 year old Mom. So don’t treat her like she is my grandmother, treat her like the person she is, my Mom.

Do you have any experiences where you think people may just be trying to be nice but in the process they are irritating you? Do you think people have a tendency to treat others with handicap needs like they are on an elderly level? Am I being too sensitive and need to blow this off?

I believe in…

Posted on by
Reply

I believe in the power of prayer and I believe in the power of a Mother’s love.

One of the greatest blessings I have is my Mother. This is also one of the reasons I struggle with this disease that is impacting her life so strongly. But I also know beyond the walker and beyond the MS, at the core of who she is, she is my Mom.

Today I am kind of down. I called Mom to express these various reasons with her. It was instinctive really. I felt down, I needed to talk, I called Mom. I called her as I was walking to church on my lunch hour. We talked and she listened. She encouraged and through her voice I felt the presence of her love. Her ability to somehow help me know everything will be alright. I then went to church and prayed. 40 minutes after the start of my lunch hour I felt better. I felt uplifted and I had a more positive perspective.

The Lord gives us Mothers for a reason. I also know he gave me my specific Mom for a reason too. Today I put the two hand in hand, leaned on both of them and this afternoon I feel like everything is going to be okay. My problems aren’t solved, but I do have greater peace of mind. A greater piece of mind I hope to continue and reflect on during this long weekend.

Who or what helps you through a tough time or a tough moment? Who do you call when you need to talk? Wishing you a safe, relaxing and happy holiday weekend!